Param Pujya Dadashri and Hiraba’s married life was full of peace, mutual respect and humility. Their worldly conduct and interactions were idyllic so much so, that family and friends noticed the unity and love they had for each other. For instance, Hiraba would visit the local vegetable market on a daily basis, she would ask Param Pujya Dadashri, ‘What vegetables should I buy?’ Thus, performing her duty of asking and He would reply ‘Buy whatever you would like’, thus fulfilling His. This ritual of asking Param Pujya Dadashri, Hiraba performed to the very end of her life with sincerity.
Their every worldly communication was upheld with sincerity, these interactions did not increase nor decrease because of circumstances or people. Their reverence for each other continued with understanding throughout their entire life. This humility which existed between them was not subjective, it was performed with consideration and understanding.
Above is just one example from Param Pujya Dadashri’s life. By using the simple tips outlined by Him below, you will also be able to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A true companion does not create discord. Just as you would not let anything come between you and your friend, in the same manner you should do the same when dealing with your spouse. If you do not look out for your friend, your friendship will end. Friendship means friendship. Husband and wife are considered friends. Therefore, they have to run their home like two friends would. There should be a lot of peace between a husband and a wife. If there is any hurt in the relationship, it cannot be considered a ‘husband and wife relationship’. When even friends do not hurt each other, how can a husband and wife do so? The friendship between a husband and wife is the highest friendship of all.
If your wife gets upset with you, wait a awhile and then say to her, “No matter what you say to me and no matter how upset you get with me, I miss you when you are not around!” Tell your wife that you do not like being separated from her. Just go ahead and say this ‘Guru Mantra’ (words that give results). You should express your love and appreciation to your wife in order to have a happy marriage life. What is the problem in doing so? Just tell her you do not like being away from her. You should keep most of your love to yourself, but do share and express some of it!
The ultimate ‘light’ (knowledge) is where not even a single being is hurt in the slightest degree. Even the opponent will become pacified and they will say, “We have our differences but at the same time I have a lot of respect for you.” However, the opposition will always be there. Not everyone has the same viewpoints. Not everyone can be on the same level of thinking. At home, your interactions should be filled with harmony. Your wife should feel that she will never find a husband like you and you should feel like you will never find a wife like her. When this happens, your life together is considered worthy and you will have a happy marriage.
Just as you have an outline of your responsibilities at work, you should also have an outline of your responsibilities for your married life. Once there is a clear demarcation of what falls under whose department, then you should not interfere in the other person’s department. Men should not interfere in women’s affairs and women should not interfere with men’s affairs. Each should stay within his or her departments. However, if you see that your spouse is not able to cope with their responsibilities, then no doubt you should help them. Only then will you be able to have a happy married life.
There should be no sexual contact or relationship with anyone other than your spouse. The most ominous danger that exists is that of taking pleasure with someone else’s wife or husband. There is no danger with your own wife. Then only it is said to be sincere to your spouse.
A husband once complained to Param Pujya Dadashri that his wife does not want his parents to live with them or invite them. Param Pujya Dadashri advised him to make her understand and do things democratically. He advised him to invite her parents and take good care of them. Improve your relationship with your wife to the extent that she herself will tell you to take care of your parents.
The Gnani Purush gives us the key to avoid separation due to matbhed (difference of opinion) and this key is, ‘We are all one and there is no difference in us.’ One should repeat this sentence five times every morning, then one day; a time will come when you will not have any matbhed with anyone.
The following excerpts have been added from an actual spiritual discourse with Param Pujya Dadashri.
1) Dadashri: Do not harbour any opinions, especially after marriage. Why should there be any differences of opinion after marriage? There will be no discord if you do not have an opinion. You both got married, so how can you afford to have opinions that are contrary?
Questioner: We should not, but it does happen.
Dadashri: So get rid of the differing opinions. Is it right for you to keep differences? If so, you shouldn’t have married. Since you did marry, you both should become one.
2) Questioner: What suggestions do you have to stop these differences of opinion?
Dadashri : I am showing you the path of ‘Adjust everywhere’. If she tells you she has made khichdi, then you must adjust to it. And in other situations if you tell her that you want to go to satsang, then she must adjust to you. Whoever makes the suggestion first, the other person should adjust accordingly.
Leave your home without any quarrels, and if you have a conflict at work with your boss then settle your mind on the way home. Leave your work problems, at work. Enter your home with a quiet mind. Do not have any disputes in the home. If you fight with your boss, what fault is it of your poor spouse?
On your day off, you should take your family for an outing. Have a nice meal at home, make good food, and then take them out. Limit your expense when you go out. If sometimes you have to spend extra money, then you can budget it out, but limit your expenses. Decide all this with the approval of your spouse.
Dadashri: In Aurangabad, a Muslim girl named Masroor came to our satsang. I asked her to come and sit next to me. She looked into my eyes and felt a sense of peace and decided to stay. She told me that she was a lecturer and her fiancé was a lawyer in Pakistan and that they were to be married in six months. I told her that at the moment she was happy, but what would she do if after getting married, her husband made her unhappy. Did she have some sort of a plan as to how she would handle such a situation? Surely, she must have thought about how she would get along with her husband. She told me that she was prepared. If he were to say something to her, she would have a response for it. She said that she had a response for everything he could possibly say.
Just like Russia and USA, she had prepared for a cold war! She had prepared to tackle all disputes. She was ready to fire before he could even begin. If he fired a torpedo, she would fire back with an equally powerful weapon. I informed her that she had begun a cold war, for which there would be no end. Girls have a tendency to act this way. These poor boys are naive, they do not plan for anything and consequently they lose the battle. I asked Masroor who had taught her all this and told her that if she were to carry on in this way, her husband was bound to divorce her within the first six months and whether that was what she wanted. I told her that her approach was very wrong. She protested that if she did not act this way, he would become her oppressor. I reassured her and told her that she should listen to my advice if she wanted a happy marriage. I told her all the women who had prepared to fight back with their husbands had failed miserably. I explained to her that she should go without anticipating any antagonism from him and not make any preparations for conflicts. If she went on fighting with her husband day in and day out, would he not think about other women? She would only win him over with love.
Dadashri: Of love. Even if it is an infatuation (attachment), there is some element of love in it, isn’t there? You do not have any abhorrence towards him, do you! I told her that she should not do like that. Are you preparing like that because you are well educated? Is this a war? Is this like a war between India and Pakistan? And that is indeed what everyone is doing in this world. Everyone in a marriage seems to be at war. This brings misery into their lives. Then I made her understand everything.
This is the way you should behave with the husband. In order to win your husband over, if he created any conflicts, she should try to resolve them. You should bring a settlement and a solution to that. You should maintain oneness even if he is ready to fight. You should maintain oneness even if he trying to cause divisions. All these relationships are ‘relative’ relationships; they are temporary and if both the parties end up tearing things, the marriage would end up in a divorce.
Masroor asked me what she should do. I told her that she should act according to his moods. If he is in a bad mood, she should instead talk to the Lord within him, and when his mood changes, then she can talk to him directly. If he were to say something hurtful to her, she should remain silent. She should see him as innocent. He acts according to the forces of his past karmas; in reality, he is not the doer. Love is tolerance and adjustments. Love should be true. Feeble love will last only a short while. I told her that under no circumstances should she retaliate. Instead, she should just remember ‘Dada’ and pray to Him for strength. Masroor accepted everything. I told her that she should deal with her mother-in-law in the same way. I explained to her what strength of character is: Whenever her husband yelled at her, if she remained silent and calmly observed what was happening, her character would strengthen and it would have an impact on her husband. He would be impressed at her ability to remain calm and collected. He would lose the battle. She followed my advice and acted on it. When one prepares to win a battle, they lose their inner energies. I never prepare for any battles. You might feel that in demonstrating your strength, you are winning, but in fact, you are really losing your inner energies and strength of character. If you lose this, your husband will not value you at all. She understood this well and promised that she would never fight with him. If someone is preparing to fight with you, and if you get ready to retaliate, your strength of character will break. No matter how much someone tries to provoke you into a fight, if you do not respond to him, he will lose.
Reference: Book Name: Generation Gap (Page #87 - Paragraph #4 & #5, Entire Page #88 & #89)
1) Should we not have good conduct at home? Do we not make sure that we do not trample on the plant that belongs to our garden?
2) One is not to win the world, he has to win the home (family).
There is a book about how you can live a “Life Without Conflict”.