How to overcome the grief of the death of a Loved One?

Witnessing the death of a loved one is a very sad experience, but what happened cannot be changed. So now, how to cope with loss of a loved one? What understanding should we bear in mind at such a time so that there remains peace in these difficult times?

We don’t hurt our loved one:

When a person dies, he leaves this body and takes birth in another body. So, that person's Soul is present somewhere in this world! The prayer we do here reaches the person wherever he/she is. If we remember them, their vibrations also reach that person.So, if after the death of a loved one, we grieve and cry, then the vibrations of grief will reach to him/her, as a result they will experience suffering. Thus, it is essential to cope with the loss of a loved one. If we miss our loved one a lot, we should take God's name, and say that may the person's (the loved one’s) Soul, wherever it may be, rest in peace and happiness. As many times you remember the loved one, every time you pray for their peace. Doing so, vibrations of peace reach to him/her.

Birds of one branch:

This world is a birds' fair, not a stay here forever!

What is this world like? Birds come together on a tree, get into relationships one on one, and at dawn, all fly away. It’s like we are traveling in a train, and other passengers come along in our compartment, we get introduced to them, we all eat together, laugh and joke. Thereafter, those passengers’ station comes and they get off, so we grab his hand and say, "We will not let you go right now?" If someone does that, people will call him mad. Similarly, we also come together for one birth, in one house, one family on account of our karmas, and shall disperse in another birth.

If a guest whom we like has come to our house and when they leave, we experience momentary sadness. But we do not say to the guest, "You stay here forever." Because we know that they are not guests that stay forever. Similarly, in our life, loved ones come along and then part. Coming together is a union (circumstance), and parting is separation (of that circumstance).

Circumstances are of a departing nature. One circumstance comes forth, and when its time is met, by rule, it does depart.

Unless and until the liberation from this world does not happen, the cycle of birth and death goes on and on. So if we think about it in another way, today we are feeling extremely sad for one relative. But in the past birth, so many of our relatives died and went away, or we have left them behind and come. So do we remember those people? We do not remember who were our mother-father, husband-wife, children of the previous incarnation. We don't even get sad remembering them. So, all these relationships are relative relationships of one birth; they are relative relations, not eternal relations. If we realize this reality, we are able to cope with the loss of a loved one. 

When one person, greatly distressed by the sudden death of his son, asks a question to the Param Pujya Dadashri, let’s see what understanding does He give.

Questioner: My son died in an accident. What is the cause of that accident?

Dadashri: In this world, everything that is seen through the eyes, everything that is heard through the ears, is all relatively correct, it is not the complete truth! Even this body is not Yours, so then how can the son be Yours? In worldly interactions, in worldly relations, he is considered your son; in reality, he is not Your son. In reality, even this body is not Yours. So, only that which remains with You is considered to be Yours, and everything else is not Yours! So, if you believe your son to be Yours, then that will create problems and give rise to emotional disturbance! The son is now gone, it was God’s will, so you should let go of him now.

Questioner: That is true, that which belonged to God was given to me for safekeeping and it has been taken back!

Dadashri: Yes, that’s it. This entire garden belongs to God.

The Soul does not die:

Beloved relative left his body and went, and the body was cremated too. From this body, the Soul has left and it may have assumed another body already. As their body ends, the relationship with that person also ends. As long as there are parents, we are sons or daughters, but when parents are no more, there is no relation of son or daughter. Husband is there, until then one is wife. Children are there, until then we are parents. So, all relationships in the world are perishable, temporary. In there, The Soul alone is permanent, eternal! Birth and death are of the body, not of the Soul.

One that is born certainly dies. Death is not a full stop of life, but a comma. Just like night comes between two days, similarly, between two births, death comes. Just as a person changes old clothes and puts on new clothes, similarly, person leaves one body and assumes another body. When one leaves the body, we call it death, and when one assumes another body, it is called birth. Every living being comes with a stock of karmas, at birth. Life is also one karma only. One by one when all the karmas get completed, then the breath ceases and life ends, which we term as death.

Thus, the understanding of the immortality of the Soul, and the very realization of the fact that the loved one, even after death, is still present somewhere in another body, helps us cope with the loss of a loved one.

When prepared, will not hurt:

This world is like a flowing sea. In here, there is no assurance when this life’s bubble will burst. Therefore, we should be prepared for our death or the death of our relatives. Just as when working with a 440-watt appliance, we wear slippers, wear gloves for insulation, keep wood along, etc. so that we don't get shocked. There is a one and a half feet step, but if we know that there is a step ahead then no problem, and if we are not prepared, then the foot falls horizontally in the one and a half feet pit and gets sprained. Similarly, if we have prepared ourselves for the death of a relative, then we do not get shocked, the pain is reduced.

So, for every person in the family, "If this person dies tomorrow, how will I live?", we will make such mental preparation so that we can bear the news of the person's death.

Had fever and passed away:

Due to social practice, people often come to visit after the death of a loved one, and keep refreshing the dead person’s memories, as a result of which the healed wounds could reopen. Sometimes, while giving long explanations to people about the death of a loved one, we could get into trouble. "If you would have done this, s/he would have been saved", if such a statement comes forth, we end up seeing ourselves or others as guilty. At that time, what caution should we keep, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives us an understanding of that as well.

Narrating an incident, Param Pujya Dadashri says, “Old Uncle is sick and you call the doctor, you do all the medicines, yet he dies. Then, there are people who come to give solace. They ask, 'What had happened to Uncle?' So you say, 'Fundamentally, it looked like malarial fever; but then the Doctor said it seems to be like flu!' The visitor(s) will then ask, 'Which doctor did you call?' Then you say, 'So and so'. Then, he will say, 'You are without brains. You should have called that Doctor.' Also, another one will come and scold you, 'You should have done this! You are talking nonsense?' So people cause distress throughout the day! These people overpower you; they take advantage of your straightforwardness. Here, what I tell you is that next day, when people come to ask you, what you should say, 'Uncle had a little fever and he passed away; nothing else has happened.' Reply as much as the person asks. We know that if we go into detail, it will be confusing; rather, say that the fever came at night and in the morning, he passed away. Then, no hassle!”

In fact, when the time is ripe for the person’s life to end of his life, the circumstances come together in such a way that no one can save him, for example, the doctor is late; the ambulance is not available; timely treatment does not happen and within a short period of time, his / her death happens. Before death, we can make all positive efforts to save the person, but death cannot be stopped by anyone. Neither Shri Rama, Shri Krishna nor Mahavir Bhagwan could stop their own death. Then how can we stop? Therefore, once death has happened, not holding any other person or ourselves guilty, if we maintain an understanding that the account of karma has completed, then in the event of the death of a relative, equanimity will definitely remain.

"His lifespan was supposed to break here, therefore, at that moment all the 'circumstantial evidences' to end the life come together and the life terminates, the top rotates very quickly!" – Dadashri

A Prayer to be done at the time of the Death of the Relative!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan has suggested the following prayer to be done after the death of the loved one, where one may remember the God he has faith in and say the following prayer.

With the live presence of Dada Bhagwan and Lord Simandhar as my witness, the Pure Soul who is separate from the mind, speech and body complex, charge karma, subtle discharge karma, and gross discharge karma, * and all illusion related to the name of *, grant such grace that wherever * may be, may he/she attain happiness and peace. May he/she attain liberation.

I am asking for forgiveness for all the attachment and abhorrence, anger, pride, deceit, and greed that have happened with * up until now. I am sincerely and deeply repentant for these mistakes. Please forgive me, and give me the energy to never repeat these mistakes.

* Substitute the name of the deceased person here.
(Keep doing this prayer. Later, this prayer may be repeated every time the deceased person comes to memory.)