At the end of the day, you feel tired that after all the nagging and yelling, nothing has improved. So, how to stop yelling at your kids? How to stop nagging?
Give it a thought:
So nagging is not the right tool.
Parents generally nag about insignificant things so much that the child doesn’t listen to them for an important thing. You should continuously maintain the intent that you want your child’s understanding to improve. In doing so, you will notice a change after some time. Your child will eventually understand. You just have to keep praying for him, as prayer will help you to develop required patience. You have to adjust and accept things as they are. When next time you come across a situation to nag, do a prayer for your child from within. Inner vibration or heartfelt intent (bhaav) has more value and reaches the child’s soul.
Similar to the rosebush that is planted by you; your children also grow by themselves. You just need to provide them with the right nourishment.
You think that the roses are yours, but the rose is its own entity. It belongs to no one.
Everything will run smoothly even in your absence. A nagging mother should understand that all the nagging is because of the wrong belief-ego.
Read on to understand in detail:
It is our lack of understanding that hurts us. If our words are right, but if the other person is not ready to accept it, then those words have no value. It is essential to know how to put forth the truth. Only when the speech is for the benefit of the other and is short and pleasant, it is called truth and it will be acceptable by all. This is an important key for how to stop yelling at your kids. But if the other person feels it to be nagging or yelling, then it ruins the matter. How can we speak a single word after that?
If we can imbibe certain principles in our daily life, there will not be any problem with anyone. The most important among these is, ‘Be it at home or outside, one should never say anything to anyone for small matters.’ It is only for certain important matters that you can involve and speak up; that too it should not be repeated on and on. This is another useful key for how to stop nagging or yelling at your kids.
Such issues are considered essential and need parents’ attention. The rest of the problems are trivial.
All the above issues are also minor issues. Parents should remain calm and quiet in such situations.
Param Pujya Dadashri says, “If the parents can handle minor issues with equanimity and love, the children will obey you for big matters. But parents keep nagging for every small issue and lose all their power and influence. The (impressive) heat felt without uttering a single word is of immense use. Parents have the right to say things to children, only if they feel that what the parents say is true and accept it. Otherwise, you are distorting your kids further. When something is told more than twice or thrice, it turns to be nagging and unacceptable. Children can be controlled only with love, but by nagging and hitting, they rebel.”
The laws of karma are such that if you scold your servant, your child or your wife for an hour, in your next life, they will return as your husband or your mother-in-law and do the same to you. Don’t we need justice? Nature gives justice. You will have to suffer the same as we give others. Even if you hurt someone for just an hour, you will have to experience a lifetime worth of suffering. It is essential to know this law when it comes to how to stop yelling at your kids.
Param Pujya Dadashri says, “It is better to limit your speech. There is no merit in saying anything to anyone. On the contrary, when you say something, it makes matters worse. If you tell your son, ‘Be on time for the train,’ he will be late and if you do not tell him anything, he will be on time. Things tend to work out even without your input. You are exercising your ego unnecessarily. Your child will begin to improve from the day you stop nagging him. He does not value your words. It is because of your unpleasant words that he becomes agitated; your own words bounce back to you because they are simply not accepted by your children. You only need to take care of your responsibility towards them, which is to feed and clothe them. There is no worth in saying anything else. Are you able to conclude that there is no merit in saying anything?”
Questioner: Children do not understand their own responsibility.
Dadashri: The responsibility is in the hands of vyavasthit (scientific circumstantial evidences). Children do understand their responsibility. You do not know how to talk to them hence interference is created through your speech. Your speech is only effective if your children accept what you tell them. When parents speak recklessly, children will behave recklessly.
Questioner: Children snap back and speak rudely to us.
Dadashri: Yes, but how are you going to stop them? Things will only get better if all of you stop using attacking speech with each other. Once the discord starts in mind, its link will continue and you will form an opinion about that person. At such a time you should remain silent and try to gain the other person’s confidence. Nobody is going to improve through your constant griping. Only the Gnani’s speech can improve things. Parents need to be extremely cautious where children are concerned. Is it really necessary for parents to say anything? No, it is not. This is precisely the reason why God has said that the living should live like the dead. Things that are spoilt can be improved, but only the Gnani is capable of that. You should not try to improve things on your own. All you have to do is follow my Agnas. Only those who have improved themselves can improve others.
Dadashri: You can tell that you have improved when the person you are scolding feels the love in your scolding. Your child will feel his father loves him deeply even though he is scolding him. So scold them, but do it lovingly, only then will they improve. Here nowadays, if a professor were to reprimand a student, the student would be ready to beat him. You should always continue your efforts to improve the other person, but avoid those efforts that elicit a negative reaction. If they are hurt by what you say, then you cannot regard it as an effort on your part. Your attempts to improve should be internal and done subtly. If you do not know how to make overt efforts, you should do it subtly. If you do not want to scold him too much, just be brief and tell him, ‘Such behavior does not suit our family.’ Just say only this much. You have to say something, but you should know how to say it. This is a vital key for how to stop yelling at your kids.
If you try to improve others when you have not improved, you only end up spoiling them further. It is easier to improve yourself than to improve others. It is meaningless to improve others when you yourself have not. Rebuking causes a person to resort to deceit and avoid telling the truth. Deceit (kapat) arises in the world because of fear of reprimand and rebuke.