Married or Widowed

I got married at the age of sixteen.  In those days, it was not a common practice for the bride and the groom to meet before the wedding day. The first time they would see each other would be under their wedding canopy.   For the wedding I was wearing a new turban which under the weight of flowers shifted towards one side and covered my eyes. I could not see Hiraba (Dada’s wife) and it suddenly dawned on me, ‘It is fair and well that we are getting married, but what is the final outcome of this?  One of us will have to become a widow!’  (Who else but a Gyani will have such thoughts of ultimate detachment (vairagya) towards the worldly life especially when one is engulfed in passion of getting married?)

Attachment towards Son and Daughter

I was nineteen years old when our son was born.  I sent pendas (sweets) to all my friends to celebrate his birth.  And I did the same when the son died.  They asked me, ‘You have another son?’  I told them, ‘Go ahead and eat the pendas first.  Then I will tell you all the facts.’  After they finished eating the pendas, I told them, ‘The guest (son) who had arrived at my home has now departed.’  They were shocked and said, ‘How can you do this?’  I told them, ‘He was a guest.  When guests come, you have to welcome them and when they depart you bid them to come again.  What other interactions do you have with guests?’  The same thing happened when our daughter was born.

Adjusting to prevent a Conflict

In my entire life, there was only one occasion where Hiraba and I came very close to having a conflict.  One day she asked me, ‘My brother has four daughters.  The eldest one is getting married.  What shall we give her as a wedding gift?’ I replied, ‘We have a lot of silverware in the cupboard.  Give her something from there instead of having a new one made.’  In our household we never used words such as ‘mine’ or ‘yours’, we always used the words ‘ours’.  But that day she said, ‘When your uncle’s daughters get married, don’t you give them big silver platters?’  When Hiraba used the words ‘mine-yours’, I immediately understood I was trapped. I knew I had made a mistake. I told myself, ‘Why did you speak in a way that caused her to use words like ‘yours-mine’?’  So I immediately turned things around because it is better to do that, than have a conflict.  I told her, ‘I didn’t mean it that way. I was saying something else, there is a little misunderstanding.  Give her the silverware and give her five hundred rupees in cash. The money will be useful to them.’  She replied, ‘You are very naive.  How can you give so much?’  I realized I had won!  I told her, ‘Then you give whatever you want to.  All four of your nieces are like our daughters!’ She became very happy and told me, ‘You are like God.’ See! I patched things up to avoid a quarrel!

Marriage means a promise to pay

Hiraba lost one of her eyes in 1943.  She had cataract surgery which failed.  People began to think, ‘We now have potentially a new groom! We’ll get him married again.’  A Patel from Bhadran came to me in 1944; I was 36 years old at the time.  He told me, ‘On the one hand Hiraba has lost one eye and on the other you do not have any children.’  I told him, ‘I do not have any children but neither do I have an estate in Baroda that I can offer you.  When I married Hiraba, I made a promise to her. So what if she has lost one eye? Even if she were to lose both her eyes, I would hold her hand and help her around.  I will never ever go back on my word; the world can do whatever it wants to. My promise is a promise. When I gave her my hand at the wedding, I gave her a promise.’

No Conflict in Forty-Five years

From the very beginning I had made a division of responsibility in our married life.  The kitchen account was hers and the business account was mine.  From a very young age I never liked women interfering in matters of business.  They had no knowledge about the business and would ask questions without any connection.  She asked me one day, ‘How much money did you make this year?’  I told her ‘You cannot ask me such questions.  That is my personal matter.  How can you ask me such things?  Tomorrow if I were to lend five hundred rupees to someone, you would get angry with me.  I will not interfere in your kitchen affairs.  I will not say a word in your affairs.  I do not have any problems if you spill milk or break all the dishes.  I do not have any problems if there is too much salt in the cooking either.’  This way there would be no scope of any conflicts during the day.

Typically our men are over-wise!  ‘Why did you put mustard seeds in the kadhee? Etc, etc,’ You fool! Why do you keep interfering in her affairs needlessly?  Hiraba and I have not had a single conflict in forty-five years!