Why should there be forgiveness in Marriage?

Often times when interacting with your spouse you hurt them knowingly or unknowingly with your behavior, your speech or even think negatively about them in your mind, even when you do not intend to. You then experience a gradual change in their behavior towards you and this has a negative impact on your marriage. This is because; they have been hurt in some way or another. Do you want to know how to save your marriage? Is there any way you can erase the suffering you have caused your spouse? Yes! By heartily asking for forgiveness through pratikraman.

We often consider small conflicts or arguments between husband and wife as normal and tend to ignore them. However, when we have to continue living with the same person in the same home, such clashes or disputes serve no real purpose. At such times, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives us a unique understanding of asking for forgiveness in marriage and says:

If you had nothing to do with your wife after you quarrel with her, then it would be a different matter, but you still have to speak to her again, so the quarrelling in between is wrong. I am always aware of the fact that after an hour or so we will have to speak to each other again, therefore I never argue. It would be a different matter altogether if your opinion were never to change, or you were never to be with her again. Only then your quarrelling would be acceptable, but here you will have to sit and dine together the very next day. So does that mean that all your quarrelling was just a drama? What happened to the scene you created yesterday? Should you not think about that? The husband should be the first to repent. The husband should be open-minded.

In married life, conflicts and clashes arise due to the ego. Even though we know that the ego is wrong, we are unable to come out of it. To a gentleman who came with this very question, Param Pujya Dadashri gives a very practical solution:

Questioner: Ego is wrong, that is what we are told and we even listen. We hear it over and over again. All scriptures and religious teachers preach this too. Despite this, why does this ego not go?

Dadashri: When will ego leave? When you accept it is wrong, only then will it leave. If you fight with your wife, then you should understand that your ego is wrong. Therefore everyday through that very ego, you should ask for her forgiveness, from within. Then the ego will go away. You will have to find a solution, will you not? I am showing you this straightforward path. Besides you do not clash with your wife on a daily basis, do you? It only happens as your karmas unfold, and for that you just need to adjust accordingly. After an altercation with your wife, take her out to dinner and make her happy. From now on, the sulking should not linger and there should be no internal grudges against each other.

Param Pujya Dadashri gives a beautiful key for adjusting in married life:

So adjust in any way you can. Time will pass and your accounts will be cleared. You will have to honour your debts of karma from your past life. For some debts it may take twenty-five years, some, fifteen years, and others, thirty years. You don’t have a choice. Even if you don’t like it, you will have to stay within the same room. On one side, will be her bed and on the other side will be your bed. Even if you turn around and face the other direction, both of you will only have thoughts of each other.

What should one do when one does not like living with one’s spouse at all, yet has to continue living together? Param Pujya Dadashri gives an extraordinary key, explaining how, even while maintaining external interactions, internally seeking forgiveness in marriage can bring about a profound change.

“Keep doing pratikraman internally and keep asking for forgiveness from his Soul. Then you will be able to bring an end to your misery. Do your pratikraman through any God and keep that God as your witness, then everything will be cleared, otherwise what will happen? If you keep looking at him with scorn and you keep blaming him, contempt will set in and you will come to hate him. Feelings of hate and contempt will lead to feelings of aversion and fear. When you feel contempt for a person, you will also fear that person. The moment you see that person, you feel afraid. Recognize this as a consequence of inner contempt. In order to be free from contempt, repeatedly keep asking for forgiveness from the pure Soul of the person you have contempt for. This contempt will stop in two days. Acknowledge your faults and all wrongdoing against that person. Understand that your current predicament is the result of your own past errors. Ask the Lord within him, for forgiveness for all the hurt you have caused him. Then everything will be washed away.”