How to improve relationships with forgiveness in relationships?

We tend to cause the most hurt in our closest relationships. Many times, to improve relationships, we even ask forgiveness in relationships and take deep repentance for hurting our near and dear ones, yet when interactions arise again, we begin to see faults in the other person and end up hurting them again and again. Pratikraman or forgiveness and relationships betterment are directly proportional to each other; the more the faults are cleansed, the better are the relationships. When can it be said that true pratikraman has happened? Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “True pratikraman occurs when you see others in the family as faultless/flawless (nirdosh) and when you only can see your own mistakes.” He explains that, from the perspective of spiritual science, the entire world is flawless. It is because of our own faults that we are bound in this world. When this will be understood, then everything will be resolved.

In relationships, the greater the raag-dwesh (attachment-abhhorence), the greater the stickiness. Just as when oil is applied to the body and then dust is thrown on it, the dust sticks; but if there is no oiliness, the dust does not stick. In the same way, where raag-dwesh is greater, more karma sticks. Pratikraman is the means to wash away the stickiness of raag-dwesh. Especially within the home, family, and neighbourhood, one should pay special attention to washing away these sticky faults, such as insisting on having things one’s own way, stubborn insistence, expectations, accusations, quarrels over money, tensions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, or any instance where someone’s ego has been hurt. For all such faults, one should take deep repentance and cleanse them completely. Only then, one can better these relationships. For anyone within our circle whom we may have rubbed the wrong way, we should search for each one and do pratikraman for them again and again. With the understanding, “In this life and in countless previous lives, whatever mistakes have occurred through raag-dwesh and ignorance, I do alochana, pratikraman and pratyakhyan for them,” one should do pratikraman sincerely from the heart. If a person has died, one may do pratikraman by looking at their photograph, remembering their face, or even speaking their name. In this way, whatever raag-dwesh may have occurred toward them throughout life gets washed away, highlighting the importance of forgiveness in relationships.

What does pratikraman mean? It means to mend. Just as if another person tears a piece of cloth and we mend it, the cloth lasts longer. But if the other person tears it and we also tear it, what will happen? If the other person pulls, we should loosen our grip. If someone is hurt because of us and pratikraman is not done for it, then the relationship also breaks. If even the slightest hurt is caused to someone because of us, we should understand that the fault is our own. When we become angry at someone, the inner state within us becomes disturbed, then it can be understood that it’s our mistake. If, because of our mistake, any adverse effect arises in the other person, we should immediately ask for forgiveness within and do pratikraman. Even if anger does not come out outwardly and only inner irritation occurs, if we do not do pratikraman for that person, then that stain remains within us. When we do pratikraman, irrespective of whether the effect of the clashes on the other person gets erased, our focus should be on cleansing our own faults. Just as when we repay a loan taken from someone, the account gets settled, in the same way, by doing pratikraman, the account of karma becomes clean. It is through the kashays of anger, pride, deceit, and greed that the business of karma continues and keeps us wandering in worldly life.

In life, it is not possible to remain without making mistakes; faults are bound to happen. Those mistakes should feel like mistakes to us, we should not defend or justify them. For the faults that we are able to see, we should take repentance and make a resolve through pratyakhyan that such mistakes will not be repeated. In this way, whenever a mistake occurs, it should immediately be washed away through ‘shoot-on-sight’ pratikraman.

Pratikraman with consideration for others

To act in every situation with consideration for others, keeping their feelings in mind, is called humane ego. Whereas to behave with everyone while thinking only of oneself, caring only for oneself, and hurting others, is called animalistic ego. When an animal feels hungry, it may kill another living being or snatch food from another being and eat. Animals do not care whether the other is hurt or harmed. In the same way, if human beings hurt others out of ego for their own happiness, do not repent after causing hurt, and instead feel pleased about it, or indulge in illegitimate sensual pleasures or unjust wealth, that is called an animalistic nature. Our animalistic nature should change. When we scold someone harshly, we should become aware by asking ourselves, “How would we feel if someone scolded us in the same way?”

Many a times, we do not even realize that someone has been hurt because of us. When our words come out harshly, we should understand that they will hurt the other person. Moreover, if their face turns gloomy or their smile fades, we can recognize that they have been affected. At that moment, if we do pratikraman, then the effect it would have had on them can be completely nullified, which can help improve relationships.

Do pratikraman where words cause wounds

While eating at home, if the curry turns out too spicy, we may start shouting, “You’ve ruined the curry; you don’t even know how to cook,” and so on. At that moment, we may have gotten angry, but later when we realize that we made a mistake, we should have adjusted instead of getting irritated and speaking in a way that hurt the other person, at such a time, pratikraman should be done. What does it mean to adjust? If the curry is too spicy, one can balance it by taking more rice or bread, but one shouldn’t hurt the person who cooked it. But if we do not know how to bring about such a practical adjustment, then afterward we should immediately do pratikraman.

When words strike in a way that wounds the heart of someone at home, those wounds do not easily heal. When the family members end up hurting each other’s ego, the ego keeps a record. If such hurt comes from the husband, the wife carries that note within her mind, and later she may hold on to it with the thought, “When my time comes, I will show him.” Thus, instead of the conflict ending there, it continues to grow within the mind. The next time an opportunity arises, the wife may taunt her husband or speak bitter words to him. Dadashri says that if the hurt was caused at the level of the mind, then pratikraman should be done within the mind. But where hurt has been caused through words, if possible, one should ask for forgiveness directly in the person’s presence.

Pratikraman when children are scolded

When children at home make a mistake, parents scold them harshly in anger. Thereafter, if pratikraman is not done for it, karma continues to be bound. Param Pujya Dadashri says that, “You have no right to physically punish your child. You only have the right to explain things to him.” But where do parents go wrong? They repeatedly nag their children over small matters and speak harshly without restraint: “You are always being stubborn,” “You deserve to be beaten,” “Children never listen,” “Useless,” “Naughty,” and so on. In this way, they end up speaking many negative words. Children don’t receive love at home at all. Then they may get involved in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship outside, and when that comes to light at home, they are beaten even more. Parents do not realize that negative words are being poured into the child’s mind all day long, “She is like this,” and “He is like that.” As a result, some children even develop mental health problems. Parents should give their children love, security, and understanding. If slightly improper behaviour is seen in a child, one should respond with care and turn them back by doing pratikraman. Otherwise, the child’s mind can become so disturbed that they may not be able to succeed anywhere later in life. This is how parents and even teachers can improve relationships with children and teens.

Param Pujya Dadashri says that no matter how mentally disturbed a person may be, they can become stable through our pratikraman. When we have repeatedly crushed someone with our ego and caused them deep hurt, they may fall into mental illness. Through our good inner intent and by doing pratikraman, the other person’s inner machinery can change, turning from distorted to balanced, and they can improve.

Pratikraman for superiors and subordinates

While doing a job or a business, finding faults with those who work under us binds an offense. One should do pratikraman for that. Everyone is simply carrying out their own duties. Mistakes happen only to those who work. We do not go and point out the mistakes of the police or a magistrate outside. In the same way, those who work under us are considered dependent on us, so we should not keep finding faults in them. They should be explained with understanding, and if mistakes continue repeatedly even after being told, then one may say in a dramatic manner, “If this continues, how will the job remain?” Those who do not work at all should be warned, “If this continues, we will have to let you go or dismiss you, so please be alert and work properly.” And if, due to circumstances, someone has to be dismissed, one should ask for forgiveness within. If, out of ego of authority or position, we have insulted people, looked down upon them, or hurt others because of our harsh nature, we should do special pratikraman for that. If we call our assistant in the office “imbecile,” it becomes a cause of obstruction to our own intellect.

If we speak nicely to someone but they respond to us with a sour face, behave deceitfully without cause, or harbour resentment or hatred toward us, we should understand that these are reactions to our own past faults, and therefore we should ask pratikraman for them. If we feel jealousy toward someone, or if due to our ego and pride we cause hurt to others, we should repent for that as well. Asking forgiveness in relationships at work makes your worklife stress-free.

On the other hand, when our boss or superior scolds us, we should not look at their fault, but instead recognize which of our own mistakes caused them to speak harshly. We should keep correcting our own mistakes and maintain a humble attitude in our dealings with our superiors. If, due to the ego of “I will not listen to anyone,” we begin to see faults in our superior, there, one should complete the interaction by keeping one’s ego humble.

Clashes do occur among those who work together. But we should take care that such clashes do not separate us from one another. Even still if a clash does happen, pratikraman should be done so that one layer of the fault is shed away.

Pratikraman against opinions

Based on past experiences, we develop opinions about family members or those close to us: “They did this that day; they will do the same today. They should not be doing this. Their behavior should be like this.” Because of such opinions, we end up hurting the person. Often, there is so much prejudice toward someone that the moment we see them, it immediately arises: “They are going to behave like this,” and negativity begins at once. When we hold a negative inner feeling toward someone, its effect reaches them, and their prakruti (the non-Self complex) also gets disturbed. Therefore, we should keep doing pratikraman for them again and again.

Pratikraman against opinions about a person has two parts. First, we should keep asking for forgiveness for having held such wrong opinions about that person; then the effects will not remain on them. Second, for the negative opinions we hold about the other person, we should establish the exact opposite, positive opinions. If we tend to think about someone, “This person is bad, useless,” then we should place in its place the thought, “This person is very capable; after all, they are a good and helpful person.” This is the key to improve relationships not only at home but also at the office and in society.

Pratikraman when someone appears at fault

Whenever our inner feelings become negative toward any person, a wall of separation arises within. Then negative vibrations reach the other person as well, and that wall keeps growing longer and wider. If we do pratikraman for the negative feelings that arise within us, the wall on our side breaks down. After that, the separation with that person gradually decreases and eventually comes to an end.

As pratikraman in relationships continues, faults keep becoming lighter and our mind becomes cleaner in our interactions with others. Param Pujya Dadashri says that if there is someone with whom we absolutely do not get along, and we do true pratikraman for them throughout the day for two to four days, that person will come looking for us on the fifth day!

Even if someone insults us severely, instead of seeing them as at fault, we should do pratikraman with the understanding, “Due to the unfolding of my karma, that person had to act this way. I do pratikraman for it and resolve not to behave in a way again, that causes anyone to bind karma because of me.” This is because the one who insults incurs a great liability. The insult we experience is not the punishment for a mistake made today. Whatever touches us in this life is the result of our past inner intents (bhaav). Any effect that comes into our life arises from our own causes. Different people or circumstances arise to deliver that effect. If this understanding and awareness remain present, the one who insults us will appear faultless, and repentance for our own mistakes will arise. But if the one who insults us appears at fault, then two people will get together and start speaking negatively towards them, “Look how wrong he is!” and through that, more karma will be bound and our life will be spoiled.

Pratikraman for contempt

Family members come close to us because of past roonanubandh (past karmic ties or connection). Param Pujya Dadashri says, “If you are forced to live with someone you do not like, then on the outside you should continue your worldly relationship with that person – and from within you should do pratikraman in his name. The suffering for you in this life is the effect of your atikraman in your past life. What were the causes behind your suffering today? In your previous life you did atikraman against that person and, as a result, in this life you have to suffer the consequences. If you do pratikraman now in the presence of whichever God you worship, you will erase your mistakes.”

We tend to see many faults in those whose company we do not like. When we keep seeing many faults in someone, contempt arises toward them, and as a result, we begin to feel fear of that person. The moment we see them, we feel uneasy. To be free from this fear, we should ask for forgiveness from the God seated within the person toward whom we have felt contempt, saying, “Oh God, I ask for forgiveness.” Then the faults will get washed away and the contempt will come to an end, which will improve relationships at home with love.

Pratikraman for contemptuous rejection

If someone’s heart has been deeply hurt, we should go to them in person and say, “I was foolish. I made this mistake and caused you much difficulty; I ask for your forgiveness.” In this way, the level of our ego comes down, and when the wound to the other person’s ego begins to heal, they feel peace and eventually forgive us.

We should keep doing pratikraman again and until the other person’s resentment dissolves. The extent of pratikraman needed depends on the extent of hurt we have caused. Compared to physical pain to the body, the pain of a wound to one’s ego is much greater. We should learn how to help remove that pain.

Pratikraman for suspicion

In life, suspicion arises at every step. Where there is intense raag (attachment) toward someone close to us, suspicion tends to be greater. Between husband and wife, where there is a strong sense of possessiveness toward each other, or when children enter youth and there is fear that their character may go astray, suspicion arises the most.

Suspicion is a self-destructive tendency. It eats a person away from within. Therefore, suspicion should not be allowed to arise at all, and if it does arise, pratikraman should be done immediately. If even a slight negative thought arises about someone, it should be washed away at once. If there is a doubt such as “What if this happens?” arises, then at most one should verify the facts and then return and sleep peacefully. In reality, when a suspicious thought arises, it should be uprooted and thrown away immediately.

Pratikraman to be free from vengeance

When any person is hurt or their ego is wounded, the ego takes note of it and later seeks revenge. If the other person is strong and able to speak, they retaliate immediately; whereas a weaker person may not be able to speak and instead keep it within. The law of nature is such that in a future life, the weaker one becomes strong and the stronger one becomes weak, and then the revenge is settled.

When we knowingly or unknowingly provoke another person’s ego, they do not forget it. They tie a knot within, thinking, “I will see to it; I will take revenge,” and later they may cause us suffering that we will never forget for a lifetime. Lord Parshwanath once reported to the king about the immoral conduct of His wife and His brother; thereafter, His own brother bound such vengeance for Him that it continued for nine subsequent lives. One should live in such a way that no living being is troubled, and if someone does trouble us, we should understand that it is our own account and settle it with equanimity, then we will become free from vengeance. Vengeance only increases vengeance; therefore, by any means, one should ask for forgiveness and free oneself from it. We should do pratikraman for all those whom we have hurt. The greater the hurt caused, the greater the pratikraman required. Asking forgiveness in relationships is the only way to be free from vengeance.

Even among close individuals such as fellow spiritual companions who are disciples of the same Guru, vengeance can arise due to competition and jealousy. Across many lifetimes, storms of ego continue, “I am higher, you are lower; I am ahead, you are behind” and because of this, fellow disciples often bind the most vengeance. Suppose a new disciple joins, an older disciple may first develop attachment toward them. But as that disciple grows closer to the Guru, jealousy and dislike may arise instead. Therefore, with fellow disciples, one should even go in person, bow at their feet, and do pratikraman, so that one may become free from such vengeance.