How to ask for forgiveness in the most effective way?

No one needs to be taught how to do atikraman. Atikraman keeps happening on its own. If one wants to hit someone or make fun of someone, there is no need to go and learn it; one learns it simply by observing other people. But after atikraman occurs, one has to learn how to do pratikraman, meaning how to ask for forgiveness or pray for forgiveness.

Pratikraman does not need to be done by reading it out, speaking it aloud, or doing it in a way that others can see. In reality, pratikraman is to be done within the mind itself, by remembering one’s mistake. Whether someone has been hurt through words or hurt mentally, pratikraman should be done for both. Some faults become clean with just a few pratikraman, while for certain faults, many pratikraman have to be done before the account becomes completely clean. Thus, the extent of pratikraman depends on how sticky the faults are. It is also not necessary to do pratikraman only in a group. It is fine even if we do it alone. It is fine even if we do it within the mind while lying down. In short, one should do pratikraman in whichever way one’s faults reduce.

In whose presence should pratikraman be done? One should remember whichever God or Gnani Purush one has faith in and ask for forgiveness. Or, since Atma (the Soul) resides within every living being, one may do pratikraman directly in the presence of that living being’s Soul. First, one should do alochana (recollection and confession of a mistake) of the fault by saying, “Oh God! This mistake has happened through me; it was wrong.” Then, one should take repentance for the fault by saying, “I do not wish to make mistakes, yet they happen; therefore, please forgive me.” Thereafter, one should take pratyakhyan, meaning to take a pledge that such a fault will not happen again.

Suppose we spoke to someone in a loud voice and they were hurt because of us. Then, remembering the Soul seated within that person, or remembering one’s cherished deity, one should say: “Oh God, it was a mistake that I spoke in a loud voice. Therefore, I ask for forgiveness for it. And I resolve that I will not repeat that mistake again. Grant me the strength to not repeat that mistake.” Remembering the Soul and saying, “This mistake has happened,” is alochana; washing away that mistake is pratikraman; and making the firm resolve that “I will not repeat that mistake again” is pratyakhyan. This is how you should be praying for forgiveness and repentance.

Similarly, if lustful or sensual thoughts arise for any person other than one’s husband or wife, one should ask for forgiveness in the presence of the God seated within that person by saying: “Oh God! I had an impure thought for this sister/brother; I do alochana of it before Dada Bhagwan, please forgive me. And it is my intent that such a thought should never arise again. Grant me the strength so that such thoughts do not arise in me for any embodied being.” If any wrongful sensual faults have occurred anywhere, one should ask for forgiveness by saying, “Oh God, out of ignorance, due to wrong intellect, and driven by the kashays, grave faults have been committed, I ask for forgiveness for them.” In this way, one has to ask for forgiveness.

Pratikraman for family members

Within the home, it is certain that we have hurt those close to us in one way or another. Therefore, we should do pratikraman for them every day. Starting from the closest and extending to more distant relatives such as brothers-sisters, father-mother, friends, relatives and extended family like uncles-aunts (from both sides), maternal uncles and aunts, their children; and if one is elder then sons and daughters-in-law, daughters and sons-in-law, in-laws related through marriage, parents-in-law, brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, and so on, by remembering each one, if one does pratikraman for each of them for even one hour, then terrible demerit karmas within get burnt away and inner bliss arises. Not only that, if true pratikraman is done, then their hearts too become purified toward us.

After doing pratikraman for family members, we should remember those acquaintances in our city or village with whom raag-dwesh (attachment-abhorrence) has occurred, and do pratikraman for them as well; neighbours around our current home, neighbours from our previous home, people we met in school, college, and tuition classes, colleagues and others in our job or business, familiar people from our village, people from any groups we may have joined, thus, for anyone with whom raag-dwesh has occurred and whom we recall, we should do pratikraman for them.

When one is unable to sleep at night, one should do such pratikraman. Tonight, do pratikraman for all family members; if time falls short, then do it again tomorrow night. If time still falls short, then do it the night after. For all the people we have met in life, whatever mistakes have happened through raag-dwesh and through vishay-kashay (sensual pleasures or anger, pride, deceit and greed), in this life, in past lives, and in countless and innumerable lives, one should ask for forgiveness for all those faults.

If we have deeply rejected someone, shown them contempt, or insulted them severely, then at some point we should meet them face-to-face, bow at their feet, and ask for forgiveness. But if the other person misuses it, then instead of doing direct pratikraman in front of them, we should do pratikraman within the mind. True humanity is when the other person bows down even before we ask for forgiveness. For such individuals, forgiveness should be asked directly in front of them. However, if the other person’s nature is difficult and they say, “Now you’ve been put in your proper place!” then instead of asking forgiveness face-to-face, one should ask forgiveness within, by remembering the other person’s Shuddhatma (the pure Soul).

Do pratikraman with understanding

Pratikraman is not merely an action; it is a means to reduce our kashays and our faults. This pratikraman should be done in a language we understand, for example “I insulted this person,” or “My gaze became impure toward them,” or “I hurt them through my speech; I ask for forgiveness for it.” True pratikraman is to confess one’s mistakes and ask for forgiveness in simple words, in the language one knows, not in difficult language written in the scriptures. We should not do pratikraman for faults written by someone else, but rather recognize our own faults and do pratikraman for them. Because if another person eats food, our stomach will not become full. Similarly, if we do pratikraman for faults written in scriptures, not even a single one of our own faults gets cleared, and instead, a stockpile of faults gets accumulated.

God’s intent behind pratikraman was: “Do pratikraman in a language that can be understood. Do pratikraman in your own language; otherwise you will not reap any benefits from it.” The original purpose of pratikraman or to ask for forgiveness is not to merely perform an action or repeat words, but to change one’s present viewpoint. Based on the old beliefs, hurtful thoughts, speech, and conduct arise toward people; pratikraman is to establish a new belief of “This should not happen.”

Heartfelt Bhaav Pratikraman

Pratikraman should be done from the heart. Whether one knows the exact words or not is not important; pratikraman done sincerely and with true bhaav is effective.

Explaining the importance of heartfelt pratikraman, Param Pujya Dadashri says that, “If a person was to repent heartily, his faults would eventually disappear. But people speak superficially. Although you may commit a terrible mistake, if you sincerely repent for it, it will not occur again. If it occurs again, it does not matter as long as you continue to repent.”

Repeatedly saying “sorry” is merely superficial interaction; it is not called true pratikraman. In true pratikraman, accepting the mistake meaning alochana, asking forgiveness for the mistake meaning pratikraman, and making the firm resolve that the mistake will not happen again meaning pratyakhyan are important. Pratikraman done only as a mechanical action is not true. In reality, what is needed is bhaav pratikraman (reversal of aggression in thoughts, speech and action by changing the inner intent), which is effective. Keeping the inner intent that “This should not happen” is called bhaav pratikraman. Whereas, merely repeating words, even if there is no inner intent, is called dravya pratikraman (gross (overt; visible) pratikraman ritual practiced in the traditional Jain religion).

After a wrong action has occurred, if one repents for it from the heart, then the punishment for having done the wrong action has to be borne in this world, but the offense for the next life does not get bound. Pratikraman done sincerely from the heart resolves the matter completely.

Giving a beautiful illustration of what our inner intent should be for pratikraman, Param Pujya Dadashri says, “You ought to have the same familiarity with pratikraman as you do with your wife. Just as you cannot forget the wife, in the same manner you cannot forget to do pratikraman. All day long, you should keep asking for forgiveness. You should make it a habit to ask for forgiveness.” Param Pujya Dadashri says that just as we eat, drink, and breathe air throughout the day, in the same way we should do pratikraman throughout the day.

‘Shoot-on-Sight’ Pratikraman

Param Pujya Dadashri says that pratikraman should be ‘shoot-on-sight.’ ‘Shoot-on-sight’ pratikraman means that just as the police issue a warrant for a criminal “kill the criminal as soon as you see him”, in the same way, wherever our faults are seen, we should eliminate them right there through pratikraman. If even a slightly wrong word slips out from us, pratikraman should begin within immediately, right then and there, in that very moment. In pratikraman, keeping it pending or doing it later does not work.

Suppose early in the morning, someone at home breaks a cup or saucer, and we become irritated and, in anger, say something or make a displeased face, this causes hurt to the other person. At that moment, we should feel within, “I have hurt them; pratikraman should be done right there.” Many such incidents occur at home. If the food turns out slightly bad, if someone does not do a task on time, or if someone does not help, we become visibly upset.. “Even though I say it, why doesn’t it happen?”, “Why don’t they listen to me?”- because of such beliefs, anger arises in worldly interactions, and the other person gets hurt.

Even if our conduct causes even slight hurt to someone, it is called atikraman, and pratikraman must be done for that atikraman. Through this, the atikraman gets erased and the karma becomes lighter. But pratikraman is not something to be done once in twelve months; it should be shoot-on-sight. Only then does the fault go away and, as a result, suffering does not come to us. Even if we are not sitting calmly, but are moving about, walking or working, it is fine to do such shoot-on-sight pratikraman. There is no need to make it long; it can be done briefly. By bringing the other person’s Soul into awareness, one should ask for forgiveness by saying, “This mistake has happened; please forgive me.”

If shoot-on-sight pratikraman does not happen, then it can be done even after two hours. If that too does not happen, then it should be done at night by remembering: with whom did I have clashes throughout the day, and who got hurt? If even that does not happen, then once a week, on one day, one should recall all the atikraman that happened during the entire week, where people were hurt, and do collective pratikraman for them. But nothing compares to doing it immediately. Just as when a tea stain falls on white clothes, it becomes clean only if we wash it right away. We do not clean stained clothes once a month, or once in twelve months.

Therefore, shoot-on-sight pratikraman is the best. Otherwise, one should sit for an hour and do pratikraman by digging out and recalling as many incidents as can be seen. For the rest that do not come to memory, samuhik, that is, collective pratikraman can be done by saying, “Oh God! Whatever mistakes may have occurred, that I am not able to recall today, but due to the nature of my prakruti (the non-Self complex), such speech has been spoken and people have been deeply hurt, this has been happening for many years. I repent for it wholeheartedly and ask for forgiveness. For whatever mistakes I may have made and whatever hurt I may have caused, I deeply repent and ask for forgiveness.” Even if a hundred kinds of faults have occurred with one person and all of them do not come to memory, one should still do collective pratikraman for them by saying, “For all these faults, I ask you for forgiveness.”

Param Pujya Dadashri says that, “The Lord has emphasized the need to do pratikraman daily, but people only do it once a year during Paryushan. The Lord said that a true merchant is the one who keeps an account in his record book for the entire day, tallying his ledger in the evening. If he were to log everything just once a year, how would he manage to remember all his accounts and set his books straight? The Lord has stressed the importance of keeping a logbook for the entire day, as a true merchant would. If an entry is made incorrectly, that is if a misdeed occurs, it should be erased with pratikraman.”