Two minds can never be of the same opinion always. So, there will be a difference between views of parents - one might be strict and the other lenient. The one who is strict feels that the other is not consistent and the one with relaxing parenting style thinks that the other is too strict and intolerant. This is the base of parental conflict or parental disagreements. Parents fighting or parents arguing in front of their child should know that their behavior makes a negative impact on their child.
Here are a few tips to follow for the parents to be ‘one’, which is definitely a good parenting skill for all parents to develop:
With parents and children, there are adjustments at every step of the way. If we adjust with understanding, there will be peace and harmony. Let’s learn the art to adjust as explained by Param Pujya Dadashri:
Questioner: How do quarrels between a husband and wife affect their children?
Dadashri: Oh ho ho! A very bad effect! They make a mental note (nondh); ‘noted its contents’. When they see such conflict in the home, they make a mental note. Then when they grow older, they will take their revenge! Our solution is to raise good, cultured children. Do not do things that the children do not like. Ask your children, “Do you like it when the two of us fight?” They will say, “We do not like it.” Then you should put an end to it. If children see good parents; then they will become very good. They do not need to be taught that. They will learn good values (sanskar) by seeing good values. Your conduct should be such that your children do not see anything bad about you. Your children should have good values. So improve your life even a little; do something so that your children will improve. If you make the firm determination (nischay), then it will happen. Anything can be done if you make a firm determination for it.
If you want to fight, go outside and do it. Make that your rule. The day the two of you want to fight, go to a park and fight as much as you want, then come home.
Questioner : But what is the reason behind the discord? Is it because of differences in disposition?
Dadashri : It is because of ignorance. The very base of the worldly life is that no two personalities match. The only solution is to acquire the knowledge of, ‘Adjust everywhere!’ You have to adjust even when someone hits you.
What is the greatest pain of all? It is of the inability to adjust. What is the problem with adjusting everywhere in such situations?
Questioner : For that, effort (purusharth) is needed.
Dadashri : No effort is needed. All you have to do is follow my Agna (directive) that, ‘Dada has told me to adjust everywhere.’ So adjustments will happen. If your wife says, “You are a thief,” then tell her, “You are correct.” Then, after a while if she says, “No you have not stolen anything,” then again tell her, “You are correct.”
If you have to accomplish a task in a short time, what must you do? Resolve it quickly by adjusting. Otherwise, will it not drag on? If you fight with your wife, will you be able to sleep at night? And the next morning, you do not even get a good breakfast.
If there is slippery mud and you fall, then the fault is yours; the slippery mud was just instrumental in the process (nimit). You have to recognize the nimit to be slippery and exercise extra caution. There will always be slippery mud, and it is indeed its nature to be slippery.