Which is the good parenting skill to practice in front of a child?

Good Parenting Skill of Staying United

Two minds can never be of the same opinion always. So, there will be a difference between views of parents - one might be strict and the other lenient. The one who is strict feels that the other is not consistent and the one with relaxing parenting style thinks that the other is too strict and intolerant. This is the base of parental conflict or parental disagreements. Parents fighting or parents arguing in front of their child should know that their behavior makes a negative impact on their child.

Here are a few tips to follow for the parents to be ‘one’, which is definitely a good parenting skill for all parents to develop:

• A child requires both strictness and warmth for balanced growth. The parent with the tough approach is teaching the child self-discipline, and the other parent is teaching to value freedom. Just like a balanced diet needs spices and sweet, steady growth requires both strictness and warmth. The ability of a child to deal with and adjust to any situation increases when they face a challenging situation.
• Never speak negatively about your spouse in front of your child. This is one of the essential qualities of good parents that helps in good parenting for being united in front of a child. In case you said it out of ignorance, then do not give any attention (positive or negative) when your child mimics it. Avoid any reaction, which will discourage him to repeat.
• You and your spouse are friends to each other and not competitors. Help each other with mutual understanding; when one is out of nerves then ask the other for help to handle the kid.
• Let one parent handle situation at a time. When one parent expresses an opinion first, the other shall be with that opinion by finding something positive. For example, if one parent is strict, the other can think that strictness will make the child bold. You can discuss beforehand or afterward among yourselves.
• Divide the departments like, mom will have a say for matters related to food and dad for studies. Both parents should sound the same. This is perhaps the easiest way to nurture the good parenting skill of staying one in front of your kid. Otherwise, the child takes advantage of the differences, and you would see that parents are arguing over it. The child is left alone doing whatever she pleases. So, it is a complete loss for all parties. When children witness their parents fighting, they develop a negative attitude towards one parent or the other.
• When one parent rebukes the child and the other parent stands up for him/her, then any hope of improving the child is ruined. The child will develop a fondness for the parent that takes his/her side and they will feel antagonism towards the parent who seeks to discipline. and after growing up that child will retaliate.

With parents and children, there are adjustments at every step of the way. If we adjust with understanding, there will be peace and harmony. Let’s learn the art to adjust as explained by Param Pujya Dadashri:

The opinion of both parents should be the same in front of the kid. Don’t fight in front of kids.

Questioner: How do quarrels between a husband and wife affect their children?

Dadashri: Oh ho ho! A very bad effect! They make a mental note (nondh); ‘noted its contents’. When they see such conflict in the home, they make a mental note. Then when they grow older, they will take their revenge! Our solution is to raise good, cultured children. Do not do things that the children do not like. Ask your children, “Do you like it when the two of us fight?” They will say, “We do not like it.” Then you should put an end to it. If children see good parents; then they will become very good. They do not need to be taught that. They will learn good values (sanskar) by seeing good values. Your conduct should be such that your children do not see anything bad about you. Your children should have good values. So improve your life even a little; do something so that your children will improve. If you make the firm determination (nischay), then it will happen. Anything can be done if you make a firm determination for it.

Make it a Rule: No Fighting in the Home, a key to practicing good parenting

If you want to fight, go outside and do it. Make that your rule. The day the two of you want to fight, go to a park and fight as much as you want, then come home.

Questioner : But what is the reason behind the discord? Is it because of differences in disposition?

Dadashri : It is because of ignorance. The very base of the worldly life is that no two personalities match. The only solution is to acquire the knowledge of, ‘Adjust everywhere!’ You have to adjust even when someone hits you.

What is the greatest pain of all? It is of the inability to adjust. What is the problem with adjusting everywhere in such situations?

Questioner : For that, effort (purusharth) is needed.

Dadashri : No effort is needed. All you have to do is follow my Agna (directive) that, ‘Dada has told me to adjust everywhere.’ So adjustments will happen. If your wife says, “You are a thief,” then tell her, “You are correct.” Then, after a while if she says, “No you have not stolen anything,” then again tell her, “You are correct.”

If you have to accomplish a task in a short time, what must you do? Resolve it quickly by adjusting. Otherwise, will it not drag on? If you fight with your wife, will you be able to sleep at night? And the next morning, you do not even get a good breakfast.

If there is slippery mud and you fall, then the fault is yours; the slippery mud was just instrumental in the process (nimit). You have to recognize the nimit to be slippery and exercise extra caution. There will always be slippery mud, and it is indeed its nature to be slippery.