How to deal with an angry spouse?

When it comes to handling an angry husband or an angry wife, the first thing to do is to find out the probable reasons. The prime reasons behind husband and wife causing hurt to each other through anger are: expectations from each other, opinions, lack of understanding and the resulting conflicts thereof. Often, one person tries to impose his / her will on the other person, and the other person refuses it, so one takes on the weapon of anger. And then, there is this rule of Nature that opposite personalities always come together under one roof. For example, one likes winter, then the other likes summer. One likes touring while the other prefers to stay home. Difference of opinions arise between husband-wife over small or big matters, and as both do not know how to resolve these differences, their interactions get increasingly knotty. Both, the husband and the wife, are not able to take adjustments with each other, therefore frustration, hatred and anger happens for each other.

Considering the reasons behind the anger that happens between husband and wife with the understanding of how to deal with an angry spouse so that the problem of anger in marriage can be eliminated, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan provides us various solutions.

Change the Belief

Behind every problem, there is some or the other belief that is at work. Until that belief is torn apart, the problem continues to exist.

One of such beliefs is that, “Between husband and wife fights will happen, only then does the love grow!” This belief is challenged through the words of Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan here...

Questioner: There should be a little bit of anger between husband and wife, shouldn’t there?

Dadashri: No. There is no such rule. There should be a lot of peace between husband and wife. If they hurt each other, then they are not husband and wife at all. There is no hurting each other in true friendship. Whereas this is the greatest friendship of all! One should not get angry here; people have simply fi t such a thing into your heads. They go through it themselves, and so they fi t such a thing into others. They will say, “That is the rule!” A husband and wife should not hurt each other whatsoever; it may happen everywhere else.

Also, we have been listening that, “If there are vessels in the house, they will make noise!” But Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives a new vision, contrary to this worldly belief.

Dadashri: How can one tolerate the daily rattling of vessels? One does not understand, that’s the reason s/he considers this appropriate. One who has awareness will not be able to sleep all night if there is even one disagreement. These (human-form) vessels have vibrations, even while sleeping at night, they keep throwing vibes that, ‘He is like this, he is crooked, he is different in nature, he is worthless, he should be thrown out!” And do those vessels have any vibes? Our people, without understanding, agree that if two vessels are together, they make noise! Hey, are we vessels, that we have clatter?

For example, it is time for the husband to leave for office and it is got late in making the tea, so early in the morning, he begins to yell that, “Where’s my tea? Why is it late?” And on the table, he slams his hand thrice, then who is responsible for it? The wife does not say anything at that time, but inside, vibes do arise that, “That day, you spoke to me like this. I will see to it!” And when the time comes, revenge is taken. Nowadays even wives work, they also earn money. Many a times even wife, while bossing over the husband, says, “You do not have any sense! You do not understand anything!” So then, the husband’s ego also retaliates. This is how vibes keep flowing against each other and the wall of differences gets built between the two.

Therefore, first, it should not be in our belief that anger between husband and wife is mandatory.

Do Not Vent Out Other’s Anger on the Husband or Wife

Generally, wives complain that when their husband has suffered a loss in business, or in job the boss has yelled at him, then at home, he lets out all his anger onto his wife. Husbands also complain that when their wife has had a quarrel with her in-laws, or kids are not listening to her, then the moment husband enters into the house, wife vents out all the anger onto him. Just like when the pressure of steam in the pressure cooker increases, it explodes, similarly at the time of pressure, one gets angry over others.

At that time, if one bears in mind that the most expensive thing in this world is peace of mind. The peace at home is disturbed when there is unrest over little-little things, and aartadhyan, raudradhyan happens. So, we should not assign so much value to any outside thing, due to which unrest is created inside our house.

Another thing is that our kashays only make us angry. There was greed of earning more profit in business, hence losses made us angry. There was the hope of earning respect in job and at that time the boss insulted us, so we got angry. If our awareness is on the causes of anger, then the other person (nimmit) will appear innocent, the intellect calms down, and the anger is not vented out on the other person.

Do Not Fight in the Presence of Children

Many a times, fights happen between husband-wife with regards to children. There is attachment for the child, so hatred arises upon anyone causing hurt to the child. For example, when husband gets angry at the child, the wife feels hatred for the husband, and in case, wife is nagging to children, then the husband feels hatred towards the wife. As a result, in the presence of children itself, the husband-wife end up getting mad at each other.

At that time, husband-wife should not find faults with each other. Instead, they should explain (to their spouse) peacefully that, “Children are doing things according to their understanding. We should make them understand and deal with them. If at home, we will scold them, then where will they go?” This should be handled with love. Husband-wife should never get angry with each other in the presence of children.

Remain Calm when the Other Person is Angry

Knowing how to deal with an angry spouse could be challenging but important. In Aurangabad, one Muslim girl came to Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan. She was engaged. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan asked her, upon getting married, how will you behave with husband? Will you be able to get along with him or not? Have you thought of that? Has he planned anything about after marriage? Then, the girl responded, “I am totally prepared. If he says something like this, then I will give such a back answer, if he says this, then I will say that, if he says like that then… I have all the answers ready!” Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says, just like in a war, preparations are made at both the ends, similarly here, preparations for difference of opinions were already made. Even before he (husband) fights, (wife) bursts! If the other person fires like this, then we will fire like that, if he shoots an arrow this way, we will shoot on that side. (Doing so) One gave rise to a cold war at home itself; would that subside? With this method, within six months itself, divorce shall happen, and if one does not want a divorce, then this method is wrong.

Then, he explained to the girl, “Look at his mood and then proceed. See his mood, if he is not in mood right now, then within, we should keep taking the name of ‘Allah’, and when his mood changes, we should start talking to him. If he is not in a mood and you bother him, then there’ll be explosion of some kind! See him as innocent. Even if he says something averse to you, you keep calm, your love should be true. Attachment, after six-twelve months, shall break for sure. Love must be such that it is with tolerance, it should be adjustable.”

What should we do when we are calm, but the other person wants to fight? In response to that question, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan said, “Nothing, if he shoots an arrow, you hold onto your patience and remember the name of Allah (or the God you have faith in). If again, he shoots from the other side, then remain patient and again remember God. You do not throw even a single arrow!” Who, in this world, other than the Gnani Purush, gives such supernatural understanding?

Persuade Each Other with Love

Let’s learn how to deal with an angry spouse in a simple way. If one of them gets furious, the other should soften. How to soften? When husband comes home furious, serve him hot tea so that he calms down. Without complaining or reacting, positively, with love, we should change the environment. The husband was with an attitude, therefore you selected him, so now, we must bear with it.

When wife is angry, what should the husband do, while giving this understanding, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan describes one beautiful incident. He had been to one person’s house. He was doing masonary work, and he had two rooms in his house. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan asked him, “Your wife doesn’t bother you?” So the man replies, wife gets angry but I do not get angry. I asked, why so? The man says, if she gets angry and I also get angry, then in this two rooms house, where will she sleep and where will I sleep? If she sleeps facing that way, and I sleep facing this, then in the morning, I would not even get good tea. She is the one who gives me happiness, my happiness is because of her! I said, what if she gets angry sometimes? The man says, I persuade her. ‘Dear, let go please! I know my condition,’ like this, somehow I convince her. And I keep her happy. I may beat people outside, but at home, I do not hit.”

Not Getting Angry Impresses (Influences) Others!

Generally, when the food prepared is not tasty enough, the husband gets angry on wife. In Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan’s married life, a lot of such occasions had occurred. But he would never get angry on his wife, Hiraba, and even then, he had great influence on her! The life conduct of Gnani Purush, and his understanding behind that conduct, becomes very useful for us. One such understanding is revealed here.

Questioner: If food has not been cooked properly by Hiraba, even then you don’t scold her?

Dadashri: Not only if food is not cooked properly, if she is going with burning coal in her hand and that falls on me, yet I would not scold her.

Questioner: Then why does she get scared of you?

Dadashri: That’s what it is, I do not scold, therefore she gets nervous. By scolding, man’s weight (influence) breaks. If a dog barks once, then one will realize that he is not worthy, he is worthless. The weight (influence) is because of not scolding only, and “if there’s father-in-law’s influence, then daughter-in-law maintains respect.” This is understandable.

Questioner: Understood properly.

Apologize Heartily

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan teaches that if we want peace in the house, then decide that I don’t want to hurt anyone through mind, through speech or through action. If someone hurts you, then accept it without giving new. Because, we do not want to increase vengeance. Just like if a tea stain comes on a white shirt, and the next day, we put water, soap, bleach, then the stain does not get cleaned. But if we wash away the stain with water, the very moment the stain came, then the stain goes away. Similarly, every night, if we sit down for about 10-15 minutes and apologize wholeheartedly to anyone we have hurt during the whole day, then our fault gets washed.

We do not want to get angry, yet it happens, and after expressing anger, if we feel all the more bad that, “it was wrong on my part to anger”, then two to three times, repent properly with a clean heart, that, “Oh Dada Bhagwan! I got angry very badly. The other person has been tremendously hurt! I apologize for it; in your presence, I greatly apologize.” And then decide not to ever repeat such anger again.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains the specific way to repent, when dealing with people who are close to us and we have more attachment and hatred towards them.

Questioner: The fury that arises due to atikraman cools down through pratikraman.

Dadashri: Yes. It cools down. If it is a sticky file, then five thousand pratikraman have to be done, only then will it cool down. If the anger was not exhibited externally, but you got irritated from within, even then if you do not do pratikraman for that, then that much ‘stain’ will remain with you. If you do pratikraman, then it will get cleared off. If you have done atikraman, then do pratikraman.