The meaning of irritation
Irritation means frustration. Irritation is a form of anger.
Anger is open and visible; it expresses itself outwardly. Whereas irritation, also meaning uneasiness, is a subtler form of anger where nothing may be spoken outwardly, yet inside one feels disturbed and uneasy.
When this inner uneasiness comes out and gets expressed, it becomes anger. But in irritation, the discomfort remains within, a constant inner pricking or restlessness. This is what we refer to as feeling irritated or uneasy.
Suffocation and irritation are different. Suffocation refers to a condition where one feels trapped, a situation where it is neither possible to speak nor to endure. Irritation, on the other hand, is the inner discomfort that keeps arising within.
Situations that trigger irritation
Some people have such a nature that they get irritated over every little thing. On the other hand, some people speak and behave in such a way that everyone around them becomes irritated.
From morning to evening, irritation keeps arising on every little thing, whether because of a person or because of circumstances. Yet they often don’t even realize it.
At every step, irritation may arise because of children, one’s husband or wife, servants, neighbours, work or office matters, or even relatives and loved ones.
For example, when everyone is seated for a meal and someone suddenly takes out a handkerchief and blows their nose loudly, the people around them get irritated. The person doing it may not even realize that others are getting irritated; they remain absorbed in their own actions. Similarly, when we are eating peacefully and someone comes and stands right over us, it creates irritation and we may not be able to eat comfortably.
Some people have dentures in place of their natural teeth and they may put them on right at the dining table. After finishing their meal, they remove them in their plate and start washing them there itself. This causes irritation to those sitting nearby, and the food may no longer go down their throat. Their faces may show discomfort, yet they cannot say anything openly.
Some people have the habit of interrupting conversations. Two people may be talking peacefully, and a third person suddenly comes and begins speaking in between and on a completely different topic. No one may have asked them anything, and they may have nothing to do with the matter, yet they start talking. Moreover, when the two people are eager to finish their conversation and someone interrupts in the middle, both of them feel irritated and annoyed.
Many people also have the habit of talking excessively. Because of this, others become irritated and even develop a headache. On top of that, they speak continuously without any sense of moderation, non-stop! People may even tell them to speak less, but it simply does not register in their mind; it is as if their radio just never switches off.
Some people sing in such an unusual or off-tune manner that the listeners become annoyed. The person singing may not even realize it and may remain absorbed in their own tune, believing that they are singing like Lata Mangeshkar or Mohammed Rafi. And if they happen to get a hold of the microphone, they simply do not let go, instead of one song, they end up singing seven or eight! Naturally, the listeners around them start feeling irritated.
Even husbands and wives often get irritated with each other over small things. For example, when the wife is sleeping soundly and the husband repeatedly goes in and out of the room to the bathroom, or makes noise while brushing, clears his throat loudly, coughs, or blows his nose, the wife becomes irritated. Eventually, if there is another room in the house, the two may even start sleeping in separate rooms.
The husband may leave the house in disarray, fail to keep his clothes properly arranged, or go to bathe and inevitably forget his towel every time, and then start shouting for it. The wife, who may already be busy cooking in the kitchen, has to rush and bring him the towel. These are all small matters, yet they often become a cause of irritation for the wife.
When they sleep together in the room at night and one of them snores loudly, the other cannot fall asleep and feels irritated throughout the night. First, sleep is disturbed because of the snoring, and then irritation keeps the person awake. By morning, they may end up complaining angrily to the other person that their sleep was spoiled because of them.
Nowadays, many young people become irritated with their parents very quickly. When elderly parents or in-laws live in the house, their habits are often traditional, while the habits of their children are more modern. Because of this difference, the younger generation often feels irritated. For example, the children may prefer using a toothbrush, whereas the elders may prefer using a datun (a traditional chewing stick) which the children find unpleasant.
In some households, when the daughter-in-law is working in the kitchen, the mother-in-law keeps coming in and interfering, which irritates the daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law may even say, “Please sit peacefully; whatever you need, we will bring it to you”, yet the mother-in-law may still find it difficult to simply sit quietly.
Every mother has an affection for feeding her children. Even when the children grow older, she may continue to insist on feeding them repeatedly out of excessive affection. This sometimes causes the children to feel irritated.
In an office, when a task is assigned to someone and that person does not complete it, irritation arises within. Similarly, in a household, if the younger daughter-in-law does not do her share of work and most of the responsibility falls on the elder daughter-in-law, she may also feel irritated internally.
Sometimes people are given some work but later forget about it. On top of that, instead of admitting that they forgot, they say that they were never told about it. This irritates the other person.
If another vehicle overtakes our car, drives on the wrong side, or someone keeps honking loudly, we tend to feel irritated. Especially in India, when cows or buffaloes suddenly come onto the road, it can cause irritation. On top of that, if someone sitting next to the driver starts shouting, “You don’t even know how to drive properly,” it makes the driver even more irritated.
Some people accumulate so much irritation inside that it does not allow them to sleep at night. The inner restlessness becomes so intense that they do not feel relief until they shout or vent it out. They may even wake up at two in the night, feel agitated, start shouting, and end up disturbing everyone around them because the inner pressure becomes too strong.
Irritation is a serious problem. One may not even realize what the inner issue lies. Nothing may be spoken outwardly, yet internally there is discomfort and uneasiness. However, the person does not find a way to resolve this inner disturbance. As a result, the irritation continues endlessly. Even after twenty-five or thirty years of marriage, a husband and wife may keep getting irritated with each other, and daily quarrels continue.
Causes of irritation
The main reason behind irritation is a sensitive nature. People who are very sensitive tend to get irritated over small matters.
Being sensitive means that the impact of something feels greater than it actually is. The other person may simply be behaving according to their nature and may not feel anything wrong, but for someone with a sensitive nature, even a small matter takes a big form.
Secondly, when things do not happen according to our expectations, or when something happens that we do not like, in such situations, irritation arises within. For example, when children or elders at home do not listen to us or act in ways we do not like, we tend to become irritated.
Irritation also arises because of our opinions and preconceived notions. This is especially common between husband and wife. Over time, both develop many fixed opinions about each other, such as, “This person will always behave like this,” or “They are just like that”, etc. Because of these preconceived notions, irritation keeps arising throughout the day in many small activities such as eating, sleeping, waking up, reading the newspaper, bathing, and so on.
Moreover, men are often more forgetful and may not be as meticulous in their tasks as women. If a wife assigns some work to her husband and he makes a mistake, it can become a cause of irritation for her.
Sometimes irritation also arises when the speed of thinking and understanding differs between people. Here, the speed of thoughts is referred to as revolutions. One person may have faster revolutions i.e. being more hyper or quick-thinking, while the other may have slower revolutions. When the faster person says something and the other person either does not understand it or interprets it differently, the first person may become irritated immediately.
Irritation is our own weakness. Yet, when we keep blaming the other person for causing the irritation, the irritation does not stop, it continues.
Ways to stop irritation
We often become irritated many times during the day, yet we rarely pause to reflect on it.
If we try to stop irritation immediately, it usually does not stop. However, if we begin to recognize irritation and remain aware of it, we can gradually free ourselves from it.
Becoming irritated is our own weakness. It indicates that we are sensitive. The other person may naturally have a disposition that tends to irritate others, not just us, but many people around them. Yet, the fact that we become irritated is still our own mistake. The first step, therefore, is to firmly decide within ourselves that we must overcome this weakness.
We should analyse throughout the day, when, with whom, and for what reasons we become irritated. If we feel irritated by a particular person, we should understand that our irritation will not change that person’s nature. On the contrary, it may only create more confusion to them, because their intention is not to irritate anyone.
This weakness can be overcome only when we begin to see the person who irritates us as innocent. The person is simply behaving according to their nature. They are not doing it deliberately, nor are they even aware that their behaviour is causing irritation to someone else.
Sometimes we may feel irritated by a particular habit of a person. We may explain it to them, scold them harshly, or tell them the same thing ten times, yet they may still not understand, and the habit may continue. At that point, we should realize that the other person may not change! Since we are the ones experiencing the discomfort, the fault lies within us. Therefore, we should turn inward and examine our own mistakes. We should try to resolve the cause that is creating the irritation within us.
Suppose someone comes to us to learn something. We explain it once, twice, even three times, and still the person does not understand. Our patience runs out and we immediately become irritated. After that, we start avoiding explaining things to that person. The other person also senses that we are avoiding them and feeling irritated inside. At such times, instead of becoming irritated, we should reflect that perhaps our own inability to explain properly is the shortcoming. The other person does not understand, and that is why they have come to us to learn. It is their helplessness, where else can they go to learn? If we listen calmly and explain with patience and equanimity, only then can we truly help the other person learn.
Some people may still not understand even after we explain something to them many times. Often the reason is that although they appear to be listening, their ears may be hearing us while their mind is somewhere else. As a result, what we say does not get properly registered. Later, they may end up doing something other than what we had explained. At such times, we should understand that the message has simply not reached the other person. Therefore, we should try explaining it again two or three times in a way that captures their attention. For example, if we try to switch on an air conditioner while lying in bed using a remote control, but the battery of the remote is almost exhausted or the AC sensor is weak, pressing the remote button repeatedly may not turn the AC on. However, when we take the remote closer to the AC and press the button, it starts working. In the same way, when our words do not reach someone, we should understand that the receiver is weak. Instead of becoming irritated, we should remain calm and patiently try to explain again.
Suppose a wife lovingly prepares a nice meal and serves it to her husband. She may have a sincere feeling that she wants to cook and serve something he will enjoy. But after serving the entire plate, she may forget to place a glass of water or buttermilk. At that moment, the husband may start feeling an inner irritation. In such a situation, one should try to see the positive side, the affection and care with which the wife prepared and served the meal. If one learns to adjust, irritation will not arise. Just as we do not build a shelter over the entire road during rainfall but simply carry an umbrella with us, in the same way, instead of becoming irritated, we should ourselves learn to adjust.
Sometimes it is not a person but a situation that irritates us. For example, when we sit down to read and the pages of a calendar keep fluttering, or the sound of plastic bags rustling is heard, or the whistle of a pressure cooker goes off, we may start feeling upset. Similarly, when we want peace and quiet but loud songs are playing on a loudspeaker outside, we may become irritated. At such times, instead of becoming negative, we should try to set a positive perspective. We may tell ourselves, “What a nice sound, what a nice sound.” Gradually, the sound will stop disturbing us.
When we are in a hurry to reach somewhere and get stuck in a traffic jam, we naturally start feeling irritated. But we should understand that our irritation will not reduce the traffic nor help us reach earlier. If possible, the solution is to start earlier. Even if we do get stuck, we should remain calm, perhaps play some music in the car, and patiently wait without becoming irritated.
Sometimes our own habits may irritate others. Even if we do not intend to do so, someone may still get irritated by our behaviour, and we may not always be able to change it. In the same way, the other person may not intend to irritate us either, yet their behaviour may not change. Therefore, we should decide within ourselves not to become disturbed.
Even after making such a decision, if we still become irritated, we should repent sincerely. Toward the person who caused our irritation, we should inwardly and sincerely ask for forgiveness. We should resolve not to become irritated again. Each time irritation arises, if we take such remorse, it will gradually reduce over time.
Ways to avoid causing irritation to others
When someone becomes irritated because of us, we often do not realize it. This is because there are avaran (veils of ignorance) over our vision, preventing us from seeing our own faults.
If someone comes and tells us, “Your particular habit irritates me,” we should immediately take note of it and become aware of it. Since it is not our intention to irritate anyone, we should try to correct that habit.
If we give unsolicited advice, it can create interference and make the other person feel irritated. Therefore, if someone has not asked for advice, it is better to refrain from offering it.
Similarly, in many situations, we may jump in and express our opinion even before anyone asks or invites us to speak. This too can irritate others. At such times, we should remind ourselves that we already know our own view, but we should give others a chance and allow them to express their thoughts.
If we enjoy playing music loudly at home but it troubles other family members, we should make an adjustment. We can listen to music using headphones or earplugs or play it when no one else is at home so that it does not disturb others. In the same way, for anything that may irritate others, we should try to find a practical solution.
Often, mothers strongly insist on feeding their children, which can irritate them. In such situations, one should understand that this insistence comes from excessive attachment and affection. In reality, people often live healthier lives by eating moderately, while overeating can harm their health. With this understanding, our insistence will reduce and others will not feel irritated.
Even between husband and wife, if irritation keeps arising between them, they should try to understand each other and make adjustments. If the husband has a habit of forgetting things or keeping the house untidy, he can try to keep things properly arranged. One should try and understand which particular actions irritate the other person and then make a conscious effort to improve those habits. Otherwise, small matters will create unnecessary arguments throughout the day.
Often, we feel that whatever we ourselves are doing is correct, and therefore we do not consider how it may affect others. But if we begin to reflect on how our words and behaviour impact the people around us, it can bring about a great positive change.
