How to get rid of worry and suspicion when my spouse is cheating on me?

It is common to become suspicious and worried when you come to know that your partner is cheating on you. “It is likely that my spouse is cheating on me” first arises in mind as a suspicion. If you allow it to harbor without any evidence, it will definitely uproot your relationship forever. So, the key here is to get rid of this suspicion in an effective way. This suspicion is subtle, whose gross form becomes evident in terms of any of the below questions arising in your mind about your partner:

• What must s/he be doing?
• Why is s/he late?
• Who is s/he talking to?
• Who is s/he messaging?
• Why did s/he not answer my phone when I called him/her?

How do these questions make you feel? Do they make you feel that my wife is cheating me or my husband is cheating me? Are you left feeling uneasy and nervous? Do they make you question the very foundation of your relationship?

In fact, to harbor worries or thoughts of suspicion about whether your spouse is cheating on you, is the same as having cracks in the very foundation your relationship is built on. And if you entertain these thoughts even for a moment, you will get sucked into a black hole with little or no chance of getting out unaffected. That is why it is best to steer clear from such thoughts as far as possible.

So what is the best way for overcoming such thoughts, putting your mind at ease, and getting over infidelity?

First off, do not let such thoughts arise in your mind at all. Like they say, 'Prevention is better than cure.' If you are in a relationship, then you have to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and trust them. After all, trust is the very foundation of every relationship.

Let us take a deeper look at suspicions and how they arise so that you can understand how to prevent them from arising in the first place:

1) How does suspicion arise?

Intense suspicion arises where there is excessive attachment and then this worm of suspicion corrodes you from within. When an interaction, or the on-going conduct of the other person differs even slightly than what you are expecting, thoughts of suspicion start to arise. When this incongruence cannot be explained by our mind, then we start to have doubts like, “Why is it like this?, “Is it so that my spouse is cheating on me?”

If your partner comes home late, explain things to him/her and reason with him/her, but do not become suspicious. Suspicion actually feeds the problem. Yes, you have to caution him/her, but do not be suspicious.

2) What happens when you are suspicious? What are its effects?

• When you start suspecting, you tend to inspect and verify everything that happens. You start to read into everything more than you normally would. This leads to even more suspicion. You cannot sleep at night, do not feel like eating and are not at peace no matter what you do. Your mind is always preoccupied with these thoughts and you become overwhelmed.
• The moment one suspects that my spouse is cheating on me, one creates separation from their partner. The vibrations of one’s suspicion invariably affect the other person in an adverse manner.
• Suspicion makes one see the other at fault. Once it occurs, there is no end to it because there is no resolution. Consequently, one’s internal suffering also continues.
• In reality, suspicion is the root cause of all sorrow. Suspicion is nothing but misery! If one begins to suspect more and more, the sorrow is akin to death.

Suspicion and fear are like cause and effect. A single seed of suspicion grows into a jungle. Sometimes suspicious thoughts may arise within you and if these are allowed to linger, even for a short while, they will reach the opposite person and proliferate. So, it is best to nip them in the bud.

3) How to demolish suspicion?

• With understanding, you have to keep hammering at it bit by bit, but it will not go away in a day. Therefore the best you can do is not let it arise in you because in reality prevention is better than cure. Destroy suspicions the moment they arise. Do not let them grow. Otherwise they will not let you live peacefully.
• If you get suspicious upon seeing things, then assume that you have not seen anything and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. If this is not possible, then sit down with your partner and talk to them about what you saw and ask them what is really going on. Once they provide you with an explanation, then accept it and put the incident as well as any suspicions you have, behind you.

4) What if I have seen my partner’s inappropriate conduct?

Are you suspicious because you saw something? And if that was the case, was the same thing not going on before you witnessed it? People call a person who gets caught stealing, a thief. But those who do not get caught are thieves from within, are they not? The ones who steal occasionally are the ones who get caught. And because they get caught, people call them thieves. The real thief is the one who does not get caught, but this is how the world is.

If you do find your partner in a compromising situation then do not react immediately. Take a step back and disconnect yourself from the scene. Give yourself time to think and process what you saw, before you start firing and do more damage.

You may find it difficult, but you should be relieved. Think about it, you can put your suspicions behind you and really move on. Calmly talk to your partner and decide what to do next. Do they regret what they did? Or is it time for you to cut your losses? If you do decide to give your partner a second chance, then you need to completely erase all your doubts and suspicions, otherwise these thoughts will continue to haunt you and do more damage. If you decide to cut your losses then do so in an amicable manner, because getting angry and upset over the fact that your spouse is cheating you will only prolong your pain.