The Nature of Expectations in Relationships:
As many relationships as there are, that many webs of expectation are woven. There are expectations from children, spouse, parents, or in-laws at home; from friends and relatives outside; and from superiors, subordinates, or colleagues at the office. The nature of expectation is different in each of these relationships.
Expectations Between Husband and Wife
The greatest number of expectations exists in the relationship between a husband and wife. At the root of this relationship is the security that each expects from the other. "Where will I get happiness from?", "Who can I call mine?", and "What will ensure my security?" – on the basis of these they both get married. Thereafter, an expectation remains that 'we will give happiness to each other and stay happy for the rest of our lives.' Gradually, a sense of ownership develops for one another, and they begin to assert their rights.
A wife often has a long list of expectations: that her husband should do this much for her, take this much care of her, look after her when she is ill, give her time, talk to her in a certain way, always praise her food no matter how it turns out, speak to the children in a particular manner, behave with guests in a specific way, and come to pick her up or drop her off whenever she wants to go somewhere, and so on. If the wife does not get along with her mother-in-law, she expects her husband to take her side and give her more importance than his mother. If that does not happen, the wife complains that "the husband is a mumma's boy." Many wives also feel that the husband should disclose everything about what he does in his job or business, how much he earns, and where he spends it; and if the husband does not disclose it or gives money to someone without the wife's knowledge, a storm brews in the house that 'you are hiding things from me.'
A husband also has a long list of expectations from his wife: that she should make him nice food, serve him hot meals, iron his clothes, keep specific things ready at a particular time, welcome him with a smile when he returns from the office, do this much for him, his siblings, and his parents, look after the children, take care of them, and so on. If any of the husband’s things are misplaced, he starts shouting at his wife, complaining, “You don't pay attention”.
Expectations among Parents and Children
Parents' expectations begin from the very moment a child is in the womb. As the child grows up, parents have expectations that they should study in a certain way, become smart, and that 'they must do this, respect us, obey us, avoid bad company, and not lie or use bad language.' They expect that upon growing up, the child must pursue specific studies, become a doctor, an engineer, or a CA, must not come home late at night, and should sleep early and wake up early, and so on. They expect that a girl should do housework in a particular manner, and remain well-mannered and within boundaries. If there is even a slight delay, parents start doubting, wondering where she had gone and who she was with. If the parents are smart and the child is weak, they constantly compare them with other people's children. If the father has a business, there is an expectation that the children should help this much in the business; then, if the children want to do something else, it causes friction and conflict in the house.
When children finish their studies, grow up, and move out to live separately, an expectation arises that they should call frequently. There are expectations from married sons to live with their parents in a certain way, to treat their wives in a particular manner, and that the daughter-in-law should or should not behave in a certain way. Moreover, if the son listens to his wife, the mother feels that "the son has become henpecked." When a child is born to the married children, an expectation is born that 'they should let us play with the baby, keep the baby at the grandparents' place, or let us look after them,' and so on.
If the children do not behave according to the parents' expectations, the parents reproach them, saying, "We did so much for you, and you cannot even do this much for us!" Consequently, the children also react, saying, "What have you even done for us?"
Expectations Towards Friends and Relatives
Where there is greater attachment towards friends and relatives, an expectation arises: "I did so much for you, so you ought to do the same for me." Especially when we have helped those people in their time of need, then, when a need arises for us, an expectation develops that 'they should help me'; and if someone is unable to help, we take note of it, feeling that no one came to our aid.
Where there is attachment to a person, one simply cannot do without them; they keep crossing our mind until we meet them. Then, once we meet that person, expectations persist like: 'you should help me, come out for a walk with me, or come and work with me.' If the other person cannot give their time, abhorrence arises towards them, and a complaint remains.
If our expectations towards friends and relatives are not fulfilled, conflicts arise and a rift is created between them. Often, the relationship deteriorates to such an extent that they stop speaking to one another for years.
Expectations in the Professional Sphere
In the office or business as well, there are expectations from our superiors or seniors, and our subordinates or juniors, that they should work in a certain way, behave in a particular manner, and so on. Wherever we are undergoing training or an internship, the person assigning the work expects that the task must be executed to the highest standard. In government jobs, the staff tends to have an expectation from their superior that the officer will transfer them to a preferred department or location.
While employees have expectations of gaining promotions and earning more money, the boss expects more work to be completed in less time, and higher profits to be generated in the business. If the expectations of either party are not met, friction and misunderstandings arise.
Ambitious individuals have dreams of reaching certain heights in their careers, but when that does not happen in reality, dissatisfaction persists, frustration sets in, and suffering is created.
Harm Caused by Expectations:
No one's expectations are ever completely fulfilled. Wherever we hold expectations, no matter how much we receive, it will always feel insufficient. Wherever we have kept an expectation, misery will follow from there; it will definitely plunge us into suffering.
If an expectation is fulfilled, attachment and fondness for that person increase. Moving forward, possessiveness towards them grows. On the other hand, when an expectation is not met, accusations are thrown at the person, such as, "I have no value," "You don't care about me," or "You don't support me," resulting in clashes. One becomes unhappy themselves and ends up causing pain to the other person as well. In relationships, attachment turns into abhorrence, grievances are noted, and a rift is created with the person. Even if the other person has acted according to our expectations ninety-nine times, if they fail just once, everything done in the past is completely wiped out.
Then, just as we receive a push and pass that push onto someone else, if we are hurt by one person, we take out our anger on another. Consequently, clashes are never avoided; instead, they keep increasing.
A person is wounded so deeply with accusatory words that the other person's doors close forever; they may not say anything externally, but internally they think, “Let it be, I don't want any hassle”. Accusations break the other person's heart; moreover, they harbour negative feelings, and even if they initially intended to fulfil the expectation, that intent is completely destroyed.
Holding expectations is like a game of football, where if we kick a ball, it will come back from the other side, and if we kick another, another will return. That is to say, just as we hold expectations that the other person should fulfil our desires, they too will hold expectations of us.
When we satisfy the other person's expectations but they fail to meet ours, it becomes a cause for conflict, confusion, and turmoil. Moreover, if that person fulfils the expectations of a third party, it triggers comparisons within us, leading to thoughts like, 'I should also receive this, why aren't they giving it to me?' and from there, arguments begin.
Parents often hold immense expectations for their children. The constant nagging by parents from a young age, whether regarding studies or instilling values, has a highly adverse impact on the child's psyche. Scolding and correcting a child twenty-five to fifty times a day with 'do this' and 'don't do that' inflicts a pain on their young mind that feels as painful as having nails driven into them.
Because children depend entirely on their parents, they may outwardly obey, but internally, their minds shut down and they begin to feel suffocated. If a child’s inherent nature is like a jasmine flower, but we constantly pressure them to become a rose, it won't work. Unfortunately, parents try to mould children into a rigid design of their own making, without ever truly recognizing or understanding the child's unique, natural disposition. Driven by the pressure to make their children "ideal" and "cultured," a continuous state of friction and conflict builds between them.
Parents genuinely believe, "I am only saying this for the good my child." However, over time, the child's psyche becomes deeply warped. And as they grow older, the backlash begins. If the child has a dominant or a superior ego, they will rebel, saying, "I'll do whatever I want, you don't need to tell me what to do!" On the other hand, if the child has a more inferior ego, they will suffocate silently within, weeping in isolation, or sinking into deep despair. Consequently, children fall victim to negativity, depression, and even violent tendencies. The tragedy is that parents remain completely oblivious to the fact that their own suffocating expectations are what went wrong.
The Root of Expectations:
The root cause of expectation is attachment, illusory attachment. When you hold deep attachment toward a person, a rigid expectation naturally arises within you that "they must act this way." When things don't go according to your expectations, it causes you pain and triggers anger toward them. You start throwing blame, saying things like, "You are like this or like that," or "You can't even do this much for me." In short, whenever an expectation is shattered, it turns into abhorrence.
Attachment is difficult to detect on its own. However, when an expectation is broken and you react with animosity, suffering, and inner turmoil, then that should be taken a sign of a hidden attachment.
Managing Expectations:
As an antidote to expectations, keep this principle in life: accept whatever we receive. Because whether we hold expectations or not, we will still receive only what we are meant to receive. Therefore, be prepared for expectations to go unfulfilled. Resolve that if our expectation is not met, we will not hurt the other person or blame them.
When the other person cannot fulfil our expectation, see that out of 10 times, the expectation was met 7 times and not met 3 times; this means they truly desire in their heart to fulfil it, but understand that it is simply not happening due to circumstances. Just as we might tell someone we will arrive at seven o'clock, but if we encounter traffic, we get delayed, right? In the exact same way, the traffic of karmas gets in the way. This means the person wants to fulfil our expectation, but such circumstances arise that it cannot happen, so our expectation may not be met on time.
Drop the expectations that cause suffering to ourselves and others. Gradually, the suffering will reduce in proportion to the percentage of expectations we drop. Expectations will not stop completely, but they can be reduced one by one. In whatever matter we no longer hold expectations, there will be no remaining suffering, blame, fault-finding, or criticism regarding that matter.
Just as we give nothing to a tree, yet it keeps giving its fruits, flowers, and wood to people without expecting anything in return, we too should not stop helping when we see that the other person does not help us, provided we have brought the good values of helping people into this life. Keep helping according to our time, energy, and ability.
If we fulfil everyone's expectations and no one fulfils ours, understand that our karmic debt is higher, and keep clearing it. We do not incur a loss in this; on the contrary, we learn to recognize people, our work skills and strength increase, common sense increases, and our ability to adjust increases. When our karmic account is cleared, people will fulfil our expectations on their own. Therefore, it is better to burn your hands through hard work than to burn your heart with grief. Even then, do not keep the thought in your mind that “I did so much for you”.
Just as in business, if we are owed fifty thousand rupees by a merchant, he will pay us back. Whereas if we have taken one lakh rupees from another merchant, we will have to pay him back. Now, while paying it back, would we complain, "Why is this merchant not giving me money?" In the exact same way, whatever karmic accounts we have bound with people, the account of expectations will be settled accordingly.
From a spiritual perspective, even if the other person has a 100% desire to do so, they will only be able to fulfil our expectation if we have an account of merit karma. If we have an account of demerit karma, it will not be fulfilled. Therefore, if our expectation is not met, it is not the fault of the other person.
Even after fitting all this understanding into place, if an expectation is not met and it causes hurt to someone, we should ask for their forgiveness and, if possible, go in person to clear it up by saying, “I shouldn’t have said that”. Doing this will heal the other person's wounds. We must resolve that this mistake will not happen again, and ask for strength from whichever God we believe in.
Husbands and wives should live like friends, without holding excessive expectations of each other. Both should be complementary to one another. Complementary means if there are eight tasks to be done, one person does one, two, three, four, and the other completes five, six, seven, eight; that is how life goes on between a husband and wife. In tasks where the husband lacks understanding, instead of holding the expectation that "he should do this," the wife should handle it, and the husband should not nag in the house or kitchen. Both should divide their tasks, not interfere in each other's work, and not find faults. If peace is wanted, adjust and avoid clashes.
Parents should allow children to blossom and let their skills manifest. Instead of imposing their own expectations onto the children, they should recognize their nature and mould them accordingly. Maintain love with the children, encourage their positive qualities, and remain silent or pray regarding their negative qualities. If there are two children and the nature of both is different, never make comparisons between them. Instead, fulfil our duty by maintaining equality for both. Give children independence in three matters: education, marriage, and the choice of religion. We must not force our dictates onto them.
Among friends or relatives, keep interactions normal like spending time together, studying together, and maintaining a loving conduct. However, do not fall into the cycle of attachment & abhorrence by keeping excessive attachment. If the other person tries to take advantage of you and asks for money, draw a line in that matter. Do not overextend yourself financially just to look good. If we have an expectation of them, express a normal desire that “it would be good if this happens”. Then, if the other person's circumstances are not favourable, free them from your expectation. Do not become unhappy, create divisions with the person, or look at their faults.
In business matters, a boss expects their subordinate to ensure the work is done well, and a subordinate expects the boss to provide good guidance and a good salary. If those expectations are not met due to circumstances, do not view anyone as guilty. Make practical adjustments, such as setting a deadline slightly ahead of the actual target date for completing the work. This way, even if it is a bit later than the deadline, the work will still be completed on time. Whether the work is delayed, early, or ruined, use your intellect to find solutions for the workflow, analysing: what circumstances caused it to get ruined? What changes can be made? What should have been done here? By doing this, you will not create divisions with the person.
