What is considered as a suspicion? Not being able to trust any person or something is not suspicion. But the doubt that prevents one from sleeping at night, something that shatters the family is considered suspicion. In life, suspicions mostly arise with whom one is very close. Commonly, when a husband talks to another woman laughingly then the wife starts feeling suspicious. Similarly, when the wife talks to another man laughingly, then the husband starts doubting her. And then both of them begin to cause suffering to each other by taunting or accusing one another. When one’s daughter ends up coming home late from college, one would be suspicious of where she might have been?
One harbours the most suspicion towards the one they are extremely attached to, and that too, without any reason. Nowadays, where loyalty towards each other in a relationship has lessened, extramarital affairs have become widespread, the trend of dating before marriage is increasing among the youth, in such an era of Kaliyug, it is possible for trust to be non-existent. Moreover, the popular slogan, “Nowadays, no one can be trusted, you have to be on the lookout!” is fuelling the fire.
It's not just that one feels suspicious for a day or two, but suspicion arises every single day and there is no end to it. Going further, all sorts of doubts begin to arise in the mind, whether they actually happened or not. By being suspicious, a person not only makes themselves miserable but also makes those around them miserable. So be as cautious as possible and act with understanding, but never harbour suspicion.
Here, we shall get practical understanding from Param Pujya Dadashri about where and why doubts arise? How is it harmful? What precautions should be taken in situations that give rise to suspicions?
Where suspicion arises
Suspicions between husband and wife
The most suspicion tends to occur between husband-wife. If by mistake, an inappropriate message from an unknown number shows up on the husband’s phone, the wife starts doubting the relationship if the husband is having an affair. Nowadays, such spam messages are usually sent, of which, the husband is not even aware of who is sending such messages. But as soon as the wife happens to see it, chaos begins! The wife starts checking the husband’s phone daily, frequently investigating who is messaging him, whom he’s talking to, and to whom he’s sending messages. Why does he happen to come late from the office? Is he having an affair with anyone? Even if the husband is not having any illegitimate relationship, once the seed of doubt enters in her mind, it doesn’t ever leave. No matter how much the husband convinces her, the wife refuses to believe. The situation worsens so much that it eventually leads to the possibility of a divorce.
Similarly, the husband also gets suspicious of his wife. If the wife talks to another man on the phone, he starts to worry, “Who could she be talking to? Whose voice is it, is it another man?” If he wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn’t see his wife sleeping besides him, then he gets up to find where she has gone. If the wife has gone outside and returns home late, he gets suspicious. The husband then starts spying on his wife, where is going, when she is coming home, who she is meeting, etc. Regardless of whether his suspicions are actually true or not, that doubt remains lodged within him. Even by chance, if the husband sees his wife talking to another man, then she is done for! At times the husband becomes so consumed with animosity that even murderous thoughts for his wife cross his mind. In reality, the other man may just be her childhood friend or someone she works with. Seeing her husband flare up in anger, no matter how many times the wife apologizes, despite having no fault of her own she promises to never speak to another man again, yet the worm of suspicion never leaves the husband’s mind for his entire life.
Parents’ suspicions towards children
We tend to doubt the things that are very precious to us. Parents have immense love and possessiveness for their children, that’s why they keep having suspicions towards them. Nowadays, as soon as the children enter their teenage years, begin college, the parents start having doubts that, “What are they doing? Who are they talking to?” When their phone rings, they suspect, “Is it their boyfriend or girlfriend?” When the daughters get older, the father starts to doubt that, “The girl has become an adult, what might she be doing? Where does she go? Who are her friends?” And that suspicion consumes him completely!
If the parents start doubting their children, their trust for each other vanishes and there remains no such thing as love. In a state of anger, parents have emotional outbursts, as a result of which they end up saying hurtful things and the children feel heartbroken and may go further astray. The ghost of doubt that haunts the parents doesn’t let them sleep at night, it lingers for months. In the end, not only do the parents suffer, but the children also get frustrated.
Doubt in certain situations
We begin to get doubtful in certain situations. For example, when we lend money to someone, we may doubt whether they will return it or not? When one has a deep attachment for money, one might even start suspecting their business partner by thinking, what if he’s skimming money? We might have mistakenly misplaced an expensive piece of jewellery and until it is found, we suspect the servants that they would’ve stolen it. As a result, one is not able to have peace of mind, which is called suspicion.
When we go out in a vehicle, we worry, what if we meet with an accident? While traveling, we fear, what if someone steals my belongings? Such doubts disturb our peace of mind.
In some situations, it may seem like doubting is necessary, but that is not truly a suspicion. For example, when scientists question their own discoveries and continue exploring further, that isn’t suspicion, its curiosity.
What causes doubt:
Excessive attachment and possessiveness
The causes of suspicion are excessive attachment and infatuation. When a husband is overly attached to his wife, even her slightest movements can give rise to suspicion. Similarly, when a wife has excessive attachment and possessiveness towards her husband thinking “My husband should always remain only mine!” hence suspicion arises. There might not be anything in reality, yet they accuse each other. If a neighbouring couple is having an extra marital affair, does suspicion arise? No. That means that the one with whom we have excessive attachment, whom we are possessive of, only that’s where the suspicion arises. Such kind of doubts haunt us like a ghost, keeping us awake all night.
Misguided Intellect
The root of suspicion is a distorted intellect, which is referred to as misleading intellect. It’s the intellect that shows things in a distorted way, sparks the first suspicions, and gives rise to baseless doubts in relationships. Those who possess just the necessary level of intelligence usually don’t become victims of suspicion. It is the highly intelligent who are most troubled by it. For example, an intelligent man has four daughters, as they grow older and start going out, he begins to doubt with anxious thoughts, “Where could she be going? Who might she be meeting? Why was she late?” and he becomes tangled in his own mind. Whether something happened or not, he ends up being ruined by suspicion. On the contrary, someone with just enough intellect, even if he has four daughters, he may not have a single thought of suspicion. So, suspicion is an interference of the ego caused by excessive intellect.
The damage caused by suspicion
Many people think that, “Well, if the matter is true, then it's only right to be suspicious, isn’t it?” But in reality, doubt doesn’t help even a hair’s breadth, instead it causes immense harm. Even if doubt were to bring ten percent benefit and ninety percent harm, perhaps one would tolerate it. But in reality, doubt brings not even the tiniest benefit, while the damage it causes is limitless.
Doubt is a cause of destruction. Once doubt arises, it doesn’t stop, it completely consumes a person. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, in this world, a suspicious person and a dead person are the same! To doubt for more than a minute is equivalent to drinking poison and committing suicide.
Lord Krishna has also said in the Bhagavad Gita that “Sanshayatma vinashyati”, which means one who doubts anything and everything in the society, including spouse, father, mother, sibling, how can that person survive?
Doubt diminishes a person’s strength. Similar to seeing a living corpse. Having a doubt in any given situation doesn’t prevent the outcome that is destined to happen, but instead, it gives birth to suspicion, which mentally and physically destroys a living person.
Two things happen when we doubt someone, one is we suffer emotionally, and second, we commit a moral wrong by suspecting the other person. Once the vine of doubt begins to grow, it won’t let you rest. Doubt has brought down even the greatest kings and emperors.
The most dangerous disease in the world is suspicion! All forms of suffering, inner unrest, regret, and turmoil are rooted in doubt. Doubt is suffering itself! If we dive deep into suspicion, the suffering feels like death itself. You alone have to suffer the consequences of the doubt, whatever is to happen to the other person is going to happen no matter what. Doubting someone is like digging a pit and then falling into it yourself. And once you’re in the pit, you can never get out.
Doubt is like a ghost, it clings. It’s better to be possessed by a witch than by any doubt, a witch can be exorcised by a spiritual healer, but doubt does not let go. Once doubt seeps in, it never fully leaves. That’s why doubt should never be allowed to settle in.
Doubt creates fear and fear creates doubt. Param Pujya Dadashri says that doubt is rotting this world, ruining this world. Nature itself punishes the person when doubt arises, no one else has to.
Doubt is immensely painful and destructive. It gives birth to a whole new world of suffering. For example, if you plant a neem seed, you get a neem tree; if you plant a banyan seed, you get a banyan tree. But the seed of doubt is such that it gives birth to seventeen hundred different varieties, which then grows to become an entire jungle. On one side, constant inner turmoil continues, and on the other, suspicion leads to spoiled inner intent for the other person resulting in binding of many terrible karmas. Suspicion ultimately leads a person toward a lower life form.
Not only that, doubt means adding a pound of salt into a rice pudding, which will spoil the pudding. If you look at someone with eyes of suspicion, the very next day, their heart may begin to distance itself from you. Once doubt settles in, there is no end to it.
Doubt makes one appear guilty despite them being completely innocent. And if you suspect a truly good, virtuous person, your loss is multiplied many times over.
To doubt someone’s character is especially dangerous, because it might be entirely false. If a pure, faithful woman is accused of being immoral, it results in a grave sin whose consequences must be endured over many lifetimes.
Remedies for suspicion
Suspicion is eliminated through right understanding
When one gains the right understanding, doubts fade away, and one experiences peace. For example, a man once heard a story about someone being possessed by a ghost. Then, one day, his wife goes to her parents’ house and when he is sleeping alone in his room, he hears a noise from the kitchen. Then he recalls that story and suspects that there might be a ghost in the house! Right then, a friend arrives and sees the man frightened, so the friend checks the kitchen. What could it be? He finds that a large rat had entered and knocked over a glass, which caused the noise. Now, when this new true knowledge, which is contrary to the previous assumption, sets in, that's when the doubt is cleared.
Doubt disappears, when the light of knowledge shines
When the light of knowledge shines, doubt disappears. For example, when we see a couple of lights shining in the dark, we doubt that “What could it be? Maybe it’s a ghost?” You spend the entire night being scared and unable to sleep! But as soon as daylight comes you realize that it was a cat, those were cat’s shining eyes, and then the doubt vanishes. Similarly, when you’re in a dark room and in the flash of a lightning you see that a snake has entered inside; not until you can confirm that the snake has left, you will not be able to sleep. Whereas, other people in the same room are sleeping peacefully and snoring. So, that means, you had the knowledge of a snake entering the room, then the snake might have left, but since you’re not certain that the snake has gone, you can’t rest. So, it is very important to have the right knowledge in order to remove the doubt.
Letting go of the past, prevents doubt
Most of the time, between husband & wife there remains suspicion because they cling to the mistakes made by the other in the past. Now the past is like something that has once flowed away in running water. Can that thing ever come back? No. But by clinging to those memories, we end up ruining our peace of mind. Whatever has happened we should “forget and forgive”. Everyone makes mistakes; some people’s mistakes are exposed, while of others remain hidden. Society labels the one whose mistakes are visible as guilty, while the other whose mistakes are covered up walks around with pride. Therefore, rather than living in doubt, it’s better to remove it from life and live together with love. Nurture children with good values.
Stop doubt the moment it arises
Doubt should not be allowed to arise at all, it should be stopped the moment it arises. When you doubt someone, both you and the other person, both suffer immensely. So, we must remain cautious and careful, and never let doubt seep in. Consider that doubt is always 100% wrong, never true, and put it aside. Things we see with our own eyes can turn out to be false, then what’s the point of having suspicion based on incomplete information?
Param Pujya Dadashri says that, “Even when you have seen something with your own eyes; You should simply know (janvoo) it all. There is nothing wrong in knowing and what you see with your eyes can sometimes be wrong. ‘We’ have experienced exactly that kind of problems. So, can you believe other things? Therefore; do not become suspicious even when you see things with your own eyes. Just ‘know’ it. This is ‘our’ very deep and profound discovery."
Nurture children with love
When young sons or daughters go to college, parents sometimes become suspicious of “What would they be doing? Where are they going?” Some parents even follow their children around for a few days. But can you do that forever? It only creates unrest within us. So, take all sorts of precautions, but do not be suspicious. In today’s age, boys are friends with girls, and girls are friends with boys, and they go out together. But doubting them will not change this. We can’t keep them locked inside the house as well, we need to adjust with the times. Instead we should have trust in them. Form a friendly bond with your children, sitting with them when they come home, having snacks together, talking about things that make them happy, all this will make them feel loved. Often, when parents only show superficial affection, children start looking for love outside the home. When children go out into the world, explain to them with love that “we come from a dignified family, so we must behave wisely. Don’t get involved in any wrong activities.”
Sometimes, if a daughter falls in love with someone and comes home late, parents get angry and throw her out of the house. But at that time, one must think, “Where will she go so late at night? Whose shelter will she seek?” She already has made one mistake, throwing her out of the house would be a second mistake. Instead, let her sleep at home that night and the next day, explain calmly, “dear, please try to come home on time. It pains me; don’t come home so late. We are from a respectable family; this doesn’t suit us.” But when she comes home late at night, it is pointless harbouring suspicions like, “Who must she have been with? What must she be doing?”
Keep awareness, but do not doubt
We should not doubt even when some man is talking to our sister in our house. At that time, we can say, “Sister, come here. Please serve me some food!” and separate both of them, but we should never have suspicion. Param Pujya Dadashri says that think as much as you want, but never have any doubt. When a person thinks too much, he will eventually get tired and thoughts will stop. But doubt will enter from left or right, and will never get exhausted. Doubt first harms you and then it harms the other person.
Let’s suppose we loaned someone ten lakh rupees, and they’ve been paying you interest regularly. Then, you hear that the person has suffered a loss of twenty-five to thirty lakh rupees, so we suspect, “will he be able to return our ten lakh rupees?” There is no end to that suspicion and it will keep bothering you day and night. You fear for the principal amount, but forget that interest is being paid timely! If clothes were put in the washing machine and the gold chain had slipped in with them and later couldn’t be found, you suspect that what if the maid might have stolen it? Then we accuse her and cause chaos, we give her pain and she will harbour hatred within on top of that. Then we find the chain in our own clothes, we regret our behaviour. Instead, it's better to keep valuable items safely and to use them cautiously, but one should not become suspicious. Thinking “What will happen now?” is what’s called suspicion.
Repenting for doubt
If you happen to doubt someone and start having negative thoughts about them, then remember your revered deity or the God you have faith in and ask for forgiveness from the inner soul of the person you doubted. As we start repenting that, “this doubt that I have is wrong, I wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness, and will not repeat again” it’ll gradually reduce, otherwise doubt will keep hollowing you from within.
On the other hand, if someone close to you begins to doubt you, especially in matters of character, we should first find out, have we done anything wrong? If we have, we should correct it immediately and if not then we should take steps that will help entrust others in the family, but we should not get emotionally affected.
Finding solution to the situation
The situation that creates doubts, find a solution to it. If there is no solution, turn your mind towards positivity, but never harbour any suspicion.
For example, suppose we live far away from our elderly parents and suddenly we receive a phone call from them in the middle of the night, we might think, “What if something has happened to them? Having such doubt does not help with the situation, it only creates pain and fear. Feeling anxious in a doubt will not help save them. Instead, as soon as doubt arises, we should pray that, “May peace be upon their soul.” Hence, wherever suspicion is about to arise, we should divert our attention away from it.
Say we are going in the car and the driver suddenly starts thinking, “What if we meet with an accident?” then everyone in the car gets mentally disturbed, and fear takes over. That’s why one should avoid the company of suspicious-minded people. If we're standing by the seashore and recollect a story we heard, about someone getting swept away by a wave, then today suspicion arises, “What if a wave comes and I get swept away too?” Then out of fear we start panicking, when in reality nothing like that is actually going to happen. So, being suspicious is foolish. By having such an understanding, one should redirect their thoughts.
Showing bravery against doubt
A group sets out on a pilgrimage on foot and in between we start thinking, “What if it rains and we are not able to return? Better turn around now!” Once suspicion arises in any matter, things no longer go well in it. Param Pujya Dadashri says that, "So there should be no suspicion in the work you are doing and if suspicion does arise, then do not proceed with that work. Your work will not be successful from the moment you start to have suspicions about your work. Suspicion that prevails is a nuisance caused by the intellect (buddhi)."
Revealing the key to showing bravery against suspicion, Param Pujya Dadashri says that, "Problems are created for those in whom suspicion arises. The rule of the ‘king of karma’ is that he will visit the one who has suspicions. He will not stay where there is no tuber of suspicion. Therefore, keep a strong mind."
