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How to deal with anger in husband wife relationship?

Questioner: When we have conflicting opinions with our friends or with our family or when things do not go our way, we get angry. Why do we become angry? And what should we do about it?

Dadashri: Why do you even think about having your own way? What would happen if everyone did as they pleased? Instead you should think what would happen if everyone around you were stubborn and unyielding. You should never try to make things go your way. If you do not have any expectations, you will not go wrong. Anyone with expectations can be stubborn if he wants to. This is how you should look at it.

Questioner: No matter how hard we try to remain silent, what should we do when the men get angry?

Dadashri: If you want to start a quarrel, then you should also get angry. And if not, then you should just remain silent. What use is anger to you? The person himself does not get angry. Anger is the effect of a "mechanical adjustment," which is why he later regrets it and wishes it never happened.

Questioner: What should I do to calm him?

Dadashri: When a machine gets too hot, you must leave it alone for a while and in a short time it will cool down. But if you keep meddling with it, you will get burnt.

Questioner: My husband and I get into terrible arguments and we also say hurtful things to each other. What should I do?

Dadashri: Is he the one who gets angry or is it you?

Questioner: Sometimes I do.

Dadashri: Then you should scold yourself from within. Ask yourself why you are getting angry when you know that you will suffer the consequences. Do pratikraman (the act of asking for forgiveness), and all your faults will come to an end. Otherwise you will have to suffer the same pain that you are inflicting. You will calm things down a little with pratikraman.

Try it yourself :
Questioner: My husband and I get into terrible arguments and we also say hurtful things to each other. What should I do?
Dadashri: Is he the one who gets angry or is it you?
Questioner: Sometimes I do.
Dadashri: Then you should scold yourself from within. Ask yourselfwhy you are getting angry when you know that you will suffer the consequences. Do pratikraman (the act of asking for forgiveness), and all your faults will come to an end. Otherwise you will have to suffer the same pain that you are inflicting. You will calm things down a little with pratikraman. What should one do in pratikraman? If one's anger hurts another person, he must recall the Soul within that person and ask to be forgiven. He should ask forgiveness for his actions and vow never to do it again. Aalochana is confession of your mistake. When you confess your mistakes to me, you are doingaalochana.
Questioner: After getting angry I realize that I should not get angry.
Dadashri: No, but after you know who the knower is, there would be no anger. Let us say, there are two identical bottles standing side by side and you are told that one has medicine in it and the other has poison in it. Now if you mistake one for the other, then you can conclude that you did not know. If you do not mistake the one for the other, then one can say that you do know. This would apply to anger as well. The reason you become angry is because you do not know. You are merely going around with ego when you say that you know. In darkness you are likely to bump into things, but when there is light and you can see clearly, you will not have any accidents. When we confuse the darkness with light, it is our own mistake. So come and sit in the Satsang with me and acquire the real knowledge.Then only will anger, pride, attachment and greed go away.

Glossary :
Pratikraman - act of asking for forgiveness

Reference :Book Name: Anger (Page #19 and Page #20)

 
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